You Are Wanted

 It was 2013.

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland gave a talk on MDD.

I had prayed for those words for 3 very long years.

And then one conference they finally came.

Today Elder Holland, again, reiterated what he said almost 10 years ago.

You are wanted.

You are needed.

You are loved.

Suicide is not the answer.

The despair you feel…. God sees it.

God sees you.

And you are wanted.

You are wanted here on Earth.

You are wanted at church.

You are wanted at home…

at school, at work, at the temple, at Christmas, at that baptism, at that birthday party, at that bunco night.

You are wanted here.

God wants you here, as much as He wants you back home in Heaven.

He wants you here. Because maybe…

Maybe you can help someone else feel the love and wanting He so desperately needs them to feel.

Please stay.

We Are Numbered

I’m behind again. On my CFM studies. 

 Life has been so busy these last two weeks. 

 I started school. My daughter started daycare. 

 I thought maybe the feelings of loneliness would go away if I was busy. 

 But they haven’t.. 

I wonder every day when this unwanted friend will leave me. 

 Does lonely get lonely? 

 In the first lesson with @dontmissthisstudy, they go over Moses 1:35 

 “…all things are numbered into me, for they are mine and I know them.” 

 We are numbered. 

 We are His. 

 He knows us. 

 So why isn’t that enough? Why doesn’t that just make me not lonely anymore? 

 Well, I think my physical body needs to catch up to what my spiritual body knows and that’s okay. 

 It’s okay to take time to discover and learn the love God has for you. 

 It doesn’t have to be immediate. 

 But you are numbered. 

 You belong to someone. 

 And they know you.

God Knows

“These things you’re waiting for, I know about them.” - God 

David Butler shared these words in his lesson on D&C 106-108 with Emily Belle Freeman on Don't Miss This Study. They’ve been stuck in my mind ever since. 

Being a follower of Christ is so hard. 

Rewarding, yes, but so so hard. 

Often praying in life for things we want. 

Asking for answers to all the questions we have. 

Like, why did my dad have to die from cancer? 

 Will my loved one ever come back to church? 

 When will this hard phase in life end? 

 Will I ever find my eternal companion? 

 Will I ever catch a break? 

 So so many more. 

These things we’re waiting for…. answers, relief, guidance, love…. He knows about them. 

 He DOES hear our prayers. 

 He knows our hearts. 

 He knows our pains. 

 He knows the things we are waiting for. He isn’t ignorant and he hasn’t forgotten us. So when you can’t find your answer online or in scriptures or from a leader…. Don’t forget that he knows what’s on your heart and mind. Find comfort in him knowing.

So Did Jesus

 I’m an analyzer.

an over-thinker.

I replay in my head, situations and experiences over and over and over. 

That person hurt me.

That person broke my heart.

That person betrayed me.

That experience made me feel lost.

That trial makes me angry to remember.

That time in my life was the worst.

I wished I would’ve made a different choice.

I would never do that again. Ever.

And it all starts to feel lonely. Nobody gets it.

How do I pray to God about this?

Jesus was perfect. Can he really relate?

Yes, actually.

He lost.

He was angry.

He was betrayed.

He was hurt.

He made difficult decisions.

He questioned where God was.

He felt broken for the world we would come to.

And I’m reminded that I’m not alone. 

I’ve experienced a lot in my life.

so did Jesus.

He too walked a path similar to mine.

Different but similar.

And so I’ll remember forever.

I’ll remember when I over think.

so. did. jesus.

Finding Answers in the Scriptures Hardly Happens for Me

 I haven't always had those experiences where I ask God a question, open my scriptures, and read the answer to my question. In fact, I can probably only count on one hand the times that has happened to me. But today's post is one of those times. And maybe I'm looking too much into it, maybe not but I wanted to share it somewhere. I want to start blogging my thoughts during my scripture study more often so here is my effort for that. Haha!

I'm really behind in the CFM study this year but I'm doing my best. I try to read a little bit each day but I'm about 25+ sections behind. I was reading in section 30 of the Doctrine and Covenants when I realized that what I was reading was practically an answer to a question that has been weighing on my mind for a really long time.

I'm going to be vulnerable and honest here for a minute but I'm hoping that I don't come off as "poor me" or "man I have it really bad" or selfish in any way. But as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in 2021, life is hard. I'm not saying that while disregarding the hard life of many, many others. I just constantly have these feelings of exhaustion of trying to defend my beliefs. Trying to defend myself and prove to everyone that it's okay to be Mormon and love thy neighbor. It's never enough. No matter what the Mormons do, it's never enough for everyone.

I say that because the LGBTQ+ community weighs heavily on my mind almost daily. I think about the conflicting feelings I have as a member of this church AND how badly I love my brothers and sisters despite who they love. Their decisions to be in a relationship and/or marriage with someone of the same-sex does not align with our church doctrine but the world makes it so gosh dang hard for Mormons to be Mormons AND love those around them, including LGBTQ+. And maybe Mormons make it hard on themselves too. I can see why, I truly can, and I'm not here to argue that. I'm mostly just giving some background for today's post and where my thoughts and feelings are stemming from.

Every day I beg God to give me a reason for these feelings I'm experiencing. This heartbreak that I feel of wanting so badly to stay an active member of the church and also feeling like I'll never be taken seriously when I say I love people for who they are. I can't be both in the eyes of society and it hurts. It hurts a lot. But I beg God for answers every day. How can I live and do both? How can I stay in this church AND support my fellow LGBTQ+? It really upsets me and causes me a lot of frustration and anger. I worry that so many of my family members or friends, who aren't active or aren't members of the church, judge me now. That because they can "see more clearly" or are "100% themselves" that somehow I'm not and that somehow I can't. Like, why can't they support me as a member while not being a member? I don't know. Maybe that's where the line needs to be drawn and I need to reevaluate my relationships but I care too dang much about my friends and family. I just do.

Anyway, I was reading in section 30 and came across verse 2:

But your mind has been on the things of the earth more than on the things of me, your Maker, and the ministry whereunto you have been called and you have not given heed unto my Spirit, and to those who were set over you, but have been presuaded by those whom I have no commanded.

I knew it. I just knew that verse was for me. All last night I spent so much time thinking about my social media and unfollowing or unfriending people/accounts that bring me down or make me feel awful and worse about myself. People do it all of the time and there's nothing wrong with that but I hate that. I hate making that decision to remove myself from the lives of those I cared about. But I know.... I know so strongly that I need to put my focus on the important things and God is one of them. His church is one of them. His gospel is one of them. 

God cares about me and he loves me. He knows how hard this is for me and he is here to help me and love me along the way. And I know social media is stupid. It really doesn't matter. I could delete all of my social media and just be done but people matter to me. Relationships matter to me. I care too much about people. And ya know what? I might be that person for someone else. I might be someone that they need to unfollow or unfriend because what I choose to share may bring them negative feelings and I understand that. It's fair, and I try not to be that person but I know it's 100% possible. 

Anyway, I feel like all the begging I did to God last night was answered in the verse I mentioned above. I know what needs to be done and I know I need to refocus and realign my life.

Past Witnesses

 I know I mentioned before in my previous how I'm late to the game on my CFM study this year so this post is in regards to Doctrine and Covenants 6-9.

I just finished watching the Youtube video from Don't Miss This and I had a few thoughts that stuck out to me that I wanted to share. In these sections, the Lord often tells Oliver Cowdery to remember that he is the same God as he was from the first time he received revelation or had an answer to the prayer. There's a lot of importance on remembering God and seeing His hand in your life. 

I've talked many times about how I wish that my spirituality was the same today as it was when I was a teenager. I was a spiritual giant and it got me through so much in my life and I'm missing that now. So reading these sections really spoke to me. I know that God is wanting me to remember all of the times he showed up in my life. All of the times as a teenager when the spirit saved me or the gospel brought me comfort. God wants me to remember that. So even though I ache to be that spiritual giant I used to be, I can lean on those past experiences and knowledge that God is still there and he is the same. God still loves me and I'm still his child.

Something that I heard David and Emily say, I can't remember who exactly, was "hold onto your past witnesses." And that really stuck with me. I need to hold onto my past witnesses when the times get hard and my questions rise to the surface. I need to remember the goodness of God in all that I do. So I encourage you to remember the witnesses of your past and hold onto them. Write that down somewhere that you'll always see it and make an effort to remember. Heavenly Father deems it important for Oliver to remember, I can only imagine he feels these same about us.

Late to the Game

 Man, where have I been?

I totally abandoned this blog last year after General Conference. It was a hectic time! We had just moved to a new city, the pandemic hit, and I was in the thick of being a new mom and figuring out how to keep a human being alive.

I had big plans for this blog last year and it all just kind of fell into the garbage. I want to try harder this year so I thought I'd start off by sharing some thoughts I have with this year's Come, Follow Me study. I watch the YouTube videos from the Don't Miss This channel. I love watching Emily and David teach. I learn really well in a class setting like seminary or institute and since they're both religious teachers, it's perfect for me! I love it. They also take the audio from their YouTube videos and put it on a Podcast if that's easier for you than watching something.

I'm really late to the game this year. I'm so behind in my studies but it's okay. I try to do a little bit each day. I try to read the sections before watching the videos and then I can truly just journal alongside their lesson. I have also really enjoyed listening to the Podcast, Follow Him. I love that they bring on guests to talk about church history. It kind of gives you a different perspective of that time period and it's a different type of lesson assistant like Don't Miss This.

In section 1, after watching the video with David and Emily, I wrote down a thought that I wanted to share with all of you. In the video, they talk about people carrying revelations around in their pockets. They would study them, ponder them and pray to be able to apply them in their lives, before these were made into a book. And the thought occurred to me... do I carry revelations in my pocket? Do I carry my revelations with me wherever I go? Or do I just leave them in my journal never to be read again?

So I challenge you to think about that. What things does God tell you that you should carry with you? Try it.