We Are Numbered

I’m behind again. On my CFM studies. 

 Life has been so busy these last two weeks. 

 I started school. My daughter started daycare. 

 I thought maybe the feelings of loneliness would go away if I was busy. 

 But they haven’t.. 

I wonder every day when this unwanted friend will leave me. 

 Does lonely get lonely? 

 In the first lesson with @dontmissthisstudy, they go over Moses 1:35 

 “…all things are numbered into me, for they are mine and I know them.” 

 We are numbered. 

 We are His. 

 He knows us. 

 So why isn’t that enough? Why doesn’t that just make me not lonely anymore? 

 Well, I think my physical body needs to catch up to what my spiritual body knows and that’s okay. 

 It’s okay to take time to discover and learn the love God has for you. 

 It doesn’t have to be immediate. 

 But you are numbered. 

 You belong to someone. 

 And they know you.

Finding Answers in the Scriptures Hardly Happens for Me

 I haven't always had those experiences where I ask God a question, open my scriptures, and read the answer to my question. In fact, I can probably only count on one hand the times that has happened to me. But today's post is one of those times. And maybe I'm looking too much into it, maybe not but I wanted to share it somewhere. I want to start blogging my thoughts during my scripture study more often so here is my effort for that. Haha!

I'm really behind in the CFM study this year but I'm doing my best. I try to read a little bit each day but I'm about 25+ sections behind. I was reading in section 30 of the Doctrine and Covenants when I realized that what I was reading was practically an answer to a question that has been weighing on my mind for a really long time.

I'm going to be vulnerable and honest here for a minute but I'm hoping that I don't come off as "poor me" or "man I have it really bad" or selfish in any way. But as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in 2021, life is hard. I'm not saying that while disregarding the hard life of many, many others. I just constantly have these feelings of exhaustion of trying to defend my beliefs. Trying to defend myself and prove to everyone that it's okay to be Mormon and love thy neighbor. It's never enough. No matter what the Mormons do, it's never enough for everyone.

I say that because the LGBTQ+ community weighs heavily on my mind almost daily. I think about the conflicting feelings I have as a member of this church AND how badly I love my brothers and sisters despite who they love. Their decisions to be in a relationship and/or marriage with someone of the same-sex does not align with our church doctrine but the world makes it so gosh dang hard for Mormons to be Mormons AND love those around them, including LGBTQ+. And maybe Mormons make it hard on themselves too. I can see why, I truly can, and I'm not here to argue that. I'm mostly just giving some background for today's post and where my thoughts and feelings are stemming from.

Every day I beg God to give me a reason for these feelings I'm experiencing. This heartbreak that I feel of wanting so badly to stay an active member of the church and also feeling like I'll never be taken seriously when I say I love people for who they are. I can't be both in the eyes of society and it hurts. It hurts a lot. But I beg God for answers every day. How can I live and do both? How can I stay in this church AND support my fellow LGBTQ+? It really upsets me and causes me a lot of frustration and anger. I worry that so many of my family members or friends, who aren't active or aren't members of the church, judge me now. That because they can "see more clearly" or are "100% themselves" that somehow I'm not and that somehow I can't. Like, why can't they support me as a member while not being a member? I don't know. Maybe that's where the line needs to be drawn and I need to reevaluate my relationships but I care too dang much about my friends and family. I just do.

Anyway, I was reading in section 30 and came across verse 2:

But your mind has been on the things of the earth more than on the things of me, your Maker, and the ministry whereunto you have been called and you have not given heed unto my Spirit, and to those who were set over you, but have been presuaded by those whom I have no commanded.

I knew it. I just knew that verse was for me. All last night I spent so much time thinking about my social media and unfollowing or unfriending people/accounts that bring me down or make me feel awful and worse about myself. People do it all of the time and there's nothing wrong with that but I hate that. I hate making that decision to remove myself from the lives of those I cared about. But I know.... I know so strongly that I need to put my focus on the important things and God is one of them. His church is one of them. His gospel is one of them. 

God cares about me and he loves me. He knows how hard this is for me and he is here to help me and love me along the way. And I know social media is stupid. It really doesn't matter. I could delete all of my social media and just be done but people matter to me. Relationships matter to me. I care too much about people. And ya know what? I might be that person for someone else. I might be someone that they need to unfollow or unfriend because what I choose to share may bring them negative feelings and I understand that. It's fair, and I try not to be that person but I know it's 100% possible. 

Anyway, I feel like all the begging I did to God last night was answered in the verse I mentioned above. I know what needs to be done and I know I need to refocus and realign my life.

Past Witnesses

 I know I mentioned before in my previous how I'm late to the game on my CFM study this year so this post is in regards to Doctrine and Covenants 6-9.

I just finished watching the Youtube video from Don't Miss This and I had a few thoughts that stuck out to me that I wanted to share. In these sections, the Lord often tells Oliver Cowdery to remember that he is the same God as he was from the first time he received revelation or had an answer to the prayer. There's a lot of importance on remembering God and seeing His hand in your life. 

I've talked many times about how I wish that my spirituality was the same today as it was when I was a teenager. I was a spiritual giant and it got me through so much in my life and I'm missing that now. So reading these sections really spoke to me. I know that God is wanting me to remember all of the times he showed up in my life. All of the times as a teenager when the spirit saved me or the gospel brought me comfort. God wants me to remember that. So even though I ache to be that spiritual giant I used to be, I can lean on those past experiences and knowledge that God is still there and he is the same. God still loves me and I'm still his child.

Something that I heard David and Emily say, I can't remember who exactly, was "hold onto your past witnesses." And that really stuck with me. I need to hold onto my past witnesses when the times get hard and my questions rise to the surface. I need to remember the goodness of God in all that I do. So I encourage you to remember the witnesses of your past and hold onto them. Write that down somewhere that you'll always see it and make an effort to remember. Heavenly Father deems it important for Oliver to remember, I can only imagine he feels these same about us.

Preparing for General Conference

Does anyone remember President Russell M. Nelson's call to prepare for April 2020 General Conference?

You may wish to begin your preparation by reading afresh Joseph Smith’s account of the First Vision as recorded in the Pearl of Great Price.

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A post shared by @marycox.art on Jan 12, 2020 at 9:30pm PST

This image was entered into the Work + Wonder Co's workbook submission for April 2020. It's probably one of my very favorites I've seen. I have been giving it a lot of thought, what President Nelson said.

I have read the First Vision in the Pearl of Great price what feels like a million times. I have marked up my scriptures with so much insight I'm not sure I could mark anymore! But that's not the point. I'm not going to lie. I definitely slacked when it came to studying the Restoration and here we are, only 2 weeks until General Conference.

One thing I have done is watch the YouTube videos that Dave Butler did on the Restoration. They are so amazing and have been a light in my life these past couple of weeks. I absolutely loved Seminary and Institute and it felt like I was in a class again watching his videos. I also love the podcast he does with Emily Belle Freeman. This video, in particular, is my favorite for many reasons but one of them is that there are actual books that were owned by church leaders in the glass case he's standing by. In fact, he even gets to hold one with his bare hands.

I have dreamed many times of holding actual church artifacts with my own hands. I know many people who have had the opportunity, Elder Holland being one of them. But as I experience those feelings and the excitement I would expect to feel while holding those items, I am reminded of my love for the Book of Mormon. I am reminded of my love for Joseph Smith and the sacrifices he made so that I can hold this book of scripture in my hands today, by my own free will.

I am so excited about this upcoming General Conference and I have absolutely no idea what it will be like but I can say this... preparing for it (or the lack of preparation) has brought back so much strength to my testimony of Joseph Smith and the Restoration. It has brought back a motivation and inspiration to study my scriptures more and to dedicate time to the word of God. I hope you have found the same in your preparation (or the lack thereof).

Thy Walls Are Continually Before Me

In my scripture study recently, I have come across two different things that kind of give me the same meaning.

In my Sunday scripture study with my husband, we were studying in the Bible (New Testament) John chapters 7 through 10. In John chapter 10, you learn about Jesus the Good Shepherd and his care for us as his "sheep." I want to point out in verse 4, we learn of Jesus:

"And when he putteth forth his own sheep, he goeth before them, and the sheep follow him: for they know his voice," - John 10: 4

Now let's turn to the Book of Mormon. In the first book of Nephi, chapter 21 verse 16, it reads:

 "Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me." - 1 Nephi 21:16

One thing I really love about personal scripture study is that you can take the verses for what they are and apply them to your life for what they mean to you when you read them. I always read with a fresh, new book of scripture so that I can learn something new instead of always referring back to notes I've taken before on the verses.

One thing I remember discussing in a therapy session was how I view my mental health and my life. I told my therapist that, to me, my depression and my anxiety and self-esteem is this huge brick wall built in front of me. There's no way around it or over it or under it. But in this brick wall is a window. It's a square window that is sealed with no way to open it. I can see through it. I see the life I'm meant to live, the things I desire most and I see happiness through this window.

I've always felt like I have no idea how to get on the other side of this wall. I've tried for years through medication, therapy, inpatient mental health care, exercise, blogging, journaling, working, reading, pampering myself..... and I've never gotten through this brick wall OR the window. But it's all there and it taunts me. It's lonely and makes me feel very weak.

As I've read these two scripture verses above, I've realized that Christ is on MY SIDE of the brick wall. He is looking through the window with me. Just as he says in 1 Nephi 21:16, my wall is before him. He stands at the brick wall WITH me. As we are told in John 10:4, he goes before me. He leads me along the path I'm meant to be on. He went first so that he could understand my journey of going next. Does that make sense?

I don't know if you could call this a light bulb moment or somehow I'm finally realizing this but for the longest time I have felt SO ALONE on my side of the brick wall that I never ever imagined Christ would also be on my side of the brick wall. I don't know when he and I will figure out a way to get on the other side but for now, I'm not alone in looking through the window. I'm not alone in trying every single day to get on the other side of this wall.

It gives me the strength to know that I have his help and his loving guidance in my life. I'm not alone and reading the scriptures help me see that. I'm so grateful that I chose to read the scriptures so that I could learn this and carry it with me each day.

Begin to Believe

I have been doing a lot for myself lately and I really want to grow spiritually. Many of you know I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. We believe the Book of Mormon to be another testament of Jesus Christ and so we study and read and apply it to our daily lives.

I've been trying to find ways to make work a bit more spiritual so that I'm not so anxious about being there. I just picked up where I left off which was 2 Nephi 30 and I came across verse 7, which reads:

"And it shall come to pass that the Jews which are scattered also shall begin to believe in Christ; and they shall begin to gather in upon the face of the land; and as many as shall believe in Christ shall also become a delightsome people." - 2 Nephi 30:7

 This verse stuck out to me because of the part that says begin to believe in Christ. I really do need to work harder to believe in Christ and in His teachings. so today, I'm going to begin to believe in Christ again. And it will be glorious. Can't wait to share more of my readings from this wonderful book.

 I loved working for the Church when I did. It allowed me to freely read the Book of Mormon and not be judged. I love that I can blog about things that I love and that are close to my heart.

I want you to know that I know that God lives and loves us. We are his children and he is aware of our needs. I know that if we begin to believe now our lives will change for the better and we will be much happier. I'm grateful for this gospel! I believe in Christ.

“Come to Me” by Yongsung Kim

Prepare a Way

So remember how I last posted about "coming back" to my blog and how I had wonderful plans for more posts and how that hasn't happened!?!?

Ya, me neither.

I am currently working full-time (temporarily) and it has taken up a lot of my time and with the holiday season starting, I have lost all track of time. But I'm here to share this with you.

I've changed the name of my blog. I didn't really have a specific name for it because I'm always switching things up that sticking with a creative name for my blog never works out for me. But I felt like with this kind of a blog, I needed some structure in the name instead of just my first name.

When I first began reading the Book of Mormon after President Nelson invited the women of the Church to read it between conference and the end of the year, I noticed a certain phrase stuck out to me in a few verses more than others. I've read this phrase quite often in my life but I've never done much with the thought.

If you've read this post, then you'll know that I've felt inspired to start a faith-based blog because I'm very passionate about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and what we believe. I feel like this specific phrase ties in just perfectly with that blog post and those feelings I shared. I even share the same scripture at the bottom of the post... which I'm just now realizing.

"...prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them." - 1 Nephi 3:7

 When I read this verse, the thought that instantly comes to mind every single time is, prepare a way for the Lord. Prepare a way for him to come to this earth again. Prepare a way for him to cross the paths of those who need him. Prepare a way for him to share his light and love with those I come in contact with. Prepare a way for him, that He and our Heavenly Father and the Holy Ghost, may accomplish the thing which our Heavenly Father "hath commandeth them."

Hopefully, that doesn't feel too deep but that is why the phrase has stuck out to me so many times and with such a strong feeling. I'm not saying that I, Ashley, have been called JUST MYSELF, to share the goodness of the gospel Because I'm not. I'm not saying that I've seen an angel or God himself and that they told me to start this blog and share these things. I'm not going in that direction AT ALL. If anything, it won't be your typical here's-an-fhe-lesson-idea-handout,-resources-and-recipe-for-a-treat kind of blog. This is more just sharing with you why I've decided to change the name of my blog to Prepare A Way.

My mission and hopes and dream, is that by using this blog to share my testimony or feelings/experiences about the gospel in a lifestyle way, that I'm preparing a way for the Spirit to enter the lives of those who read this blog. That they may leave knowing and feeling that God loves them and he only wants them to be happy. I'm really excited about this name change and feel so much better about it than just having my first name as the blog title. Hopefully I can get things a bit more structured and organized and looking pretty. I hope you love the name as well!

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DISCLAIMER: This blog is in no way affiliated or run by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. All opinions are my own. I will not share anything that goes against doctrine, nor will I post anything without further researching the topic before sharing.

President Russell M. Nelson's Invitation

Life post-General Conference is about to get really good!

General Conference was quite amazing this past weekend. We also held the Women's Session for the year! I miss having it at both conferences but the change is good. I had a few favorite talks but a lot of them I'm going to re-listen to.

I sat down tonight to work on some of the blog posts I had lined up but changed my mind for today's post. During the women's session on Saturday night, President Russell M. Nelson invited the women to do the following:

1. Participate in a 10-day fast from social media and other negative influences.
2. Read the Book of Mormon between now and the end of the year.
3. Establish a pattern of regular temple attendance.
4. Participate fully in Relief Society.

I'm going to be participating in this 10-day fast from social media! I'm nervous, just like everyone else, that it'll be really hard but I know that it will be good for my soul. You won't see any blog posts for those 10 days as well.

 I've also started my Book of Mormon reading today! I'm reading from a replica edition of the scriptures when it was first published. It's a really neat edition and because of its format, chapter one actually consists of chapters 1-5 in the current edition of the scriptures. It's going to be a great, spiritually uplifting week! See you all in 10 days!

Make It Yours

During my scripture study the other day, I noticed a small sentence that I had written out on the bottom of the page. This Book of Mormon is the very first one I owned. I received it as a gift from my parents on the day I was baptized as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I’m reading the scriptures from the beginning (again) so right now I’m in 1 Nephi.

These scriptures of mine are proving to be very beaten up. I love them. I cherish them. I would grab them first if my house was on fire (besides my family). These scriptures have seen it all…. just like my life. Everything I have ever poured out of my soul to God is inside of these pages. Everything I have ever learned is inside these pages.

I 100% believe that making your scriptures and scripture study is your own thing. I remember being in primary when I was probably like 8 or 9, and there was a boy in my Sunday school class who would draw allllll over his scriptures. I was in shock and I couldn’t believe he was doing that. When I told my teacher, she said, “It’s okay. Those are his scriptures.” I just remember being in complete shock that she would allow that! When I later told my mom, she said that I could do the same but that they aren’t a coloring book.

In middle school, I basically just highlighted every scripture I ever saw. I didn’t even care what it said or why I was highlighting it, I just did. Now I painfully regret doing that to my scriptures. Whenever someone sees those beloved highlighted pages I just cringe and laugh with embarrassment because they just look terrible.

In high school was probably when I started to personalize my scriptures a little bit more. I would write quotes on the borders. Decorate with flowers or hearts or stars. I would write thoughts down or any suggestions that my seminary teacher had. I started underlining more with a purpose than just because I could. So I guess you could say my scriptures are quite the sight to see but I’m proud of them nonetheless. Of course, I have new sets. I have scriptures that have never touched the tip of a pen. And then I have these beautiful scriptures that are 18 years old that have seen better days.

My point to this post is to tell you that your scripture study and your physical/electronic scriptures are what you make them. Write what your heart tells you. Write what the Spirit prompts you to write. Write quotes or small things to remember scriptures, different phrases or stories. In the photo, you can see that I use little sticky tabs. I wrote a very small, mostly one-word phrase on the sticky tab that went right with the scripture. So if I needed a “faith” scripture, I would open up to that tab and BAM! I would always have a faith-based scripture to use right then and there. I would tab favorites, promises, reminders, etc. Anything that meant something to me.

That’s what this is all about. Your scripture journey… your learning and your understanding are all yours. Only you learn the way that you know best. And if that’s decking out your scriptures like nobody else, then so be it! It’s okay to get messy. It’s okay to draw lines, shapes, or write paragraphs. Whatever will help you have a better scripture study experience, by all means, do it!!! I am not the first to say such and I know I most definitely won’t be the last.

As much as I wish I knew when, why or what from I wrote on the page (in the image), I do know that through scripture and scripture study, God has most definitely healed my broken soul more than once. I love being a member of the LDS Church. I love reading my scriptures and I love finding these reminders throughout the pages. Even if I don’t remember them or where they came from. It’s like my past-self is telling my future-self something. I love my own personal journey and I love sharing about it.