Before motherhood, I felt like a huge piece of myself was missing. Now that I’m a mother, I feel it’s absence even more. I pushed it away a few years ago because I wanted to be accepted by those around me. I wanted to be loved and wanted regardless. I pushed it away and I buried it because being accepted felt more important than possibly standing alone. It has been so hard to find a balance of keeping that part of myself alive while also being accepted by my friends and family and society to be honest... The part of me that has been missing is my faith. My religion. My beliefs. Being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is becoming a difficult thing to be. We are hated and looked down upon. It’s a heavy burden to bear in today’s world. I have many friends and family who have left the church or who aren’t members. I still wanted them to love me. I still wanted them to want me in their life. I didn’t want our beliefs to separate us. So what did I do? I put my faith on the shelf and walked away. Nobody asked me to. I felt like I had to in order to keep these relationships.
I’ve been staring at my faith sitting on this shelf and feeling this need to get it down. I am missing this part of my soul. I’m missing this part of who I am. Why can’t I be loved by everyone too? Why can’t they accept this part of me too? I need this to survive. I need this to live and to be happy. I need God. I need to show up for myself but I’m struggling. Then I came across Courtney Casper and my life changed. She showed up for me in my life the way I need to show up for myself. She became the inspiration I needed to dust my faith off and find God again. I have been reading her book, “Choose Yes,” and it has been unbelievably good. It has been everything my heart needs and everything my faith needs. It has been everything I want for myself.
I worry every day which friendships I’ll lose for being a member of this church or which family member won’t feel connected to me because all I care about is my faith? I care what people think... and maybe too much. Courtney has helped me so much in finding my faith again. She has helped me restore that missing piece that I’ve been dying to find. I don’t even know her personally... I’ve never met her. But her example has been an answer to my prayers.
I just wanted to share this because it’s been on my heart for some time now and as a new mom, I’m getting tired of putting society before myself. I think daily about what I want to teach my daughter. I know that I’ll be loved even if it’s only by God. I want to work harder to be better about my faith. I don’t want to abandon it again. Don’t give up friends. Find what sets your soul on fire and don’t let it go.
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