You Are Wanted

 It was 2013.

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland gave a talk on MDD.

I had prayed for those words for 3 very long years.

And then one conference they finally came.

Today Elder Holland, again, reiterated what he said almost 10 years ago.

You are wanted.

You are needed.

You are loved.

Suicide is not the answer.

The despair you feel…. God sees it.

God sees you.

And you are wanted.

You are wanted here on Earth.

You are wanted at church.

You are wanted at home…

at school, at work, at the temple, at Christmas, at that baptism, at that birthday party, at that bunco night.

You are wanted here.

God wants you here, as much as He wants you back home in Heaven.

He wants you here. Because maybe…

Maybe you can help someone else feel the love and wanting He so desperately needs them to feel.

Please stay.

God Knows

“These things you’re waiting for, I know about them.” - God 

David Butler shared these words in his lesson on D&C 106-108 with Emily Belle Freeman on Don't Miss This Study. They’ve been stuck in my mind ever since. 

Being a follower of Christ is so hard. 

Rewarding, yes, but so so hard. 

Often praying in life for things we want. 

Asking for answers to all the questions we have. 

Like, why did my dad have to die from cancer? 

 Will my loved one ever come back to church? 

 When will this hard phase in life end? 

 Will I ever find my eternal companion? 

 Will I ever catch a break? 

 So so many more. 

These things we’re waiting for…. answers, relief, guidance, love…. He knows about them. 

 He DOES hear our prayers. 

 He knows our hearts. 

 He knows our pains. 

 He knows the things we are waiting for. He isn’t ignorant and he hasn’t forgotten us. So when you can’t find your answer online or in scriptures or from a leader…. Don’t forget that he knows what’s on your heart and mind. Find comfort in him knowing.

So Did Jesus

 I’m an analyzer.

an over-thinker.

I replay in my head, situations and experiences over and over and over. 

That person hurt me.

That person broke my heart.

That person betrayed me.

That experience made me feel lost.

That trial makes me angry to remember.

That time in my life was the worst.

I wished I would’ve made a different choice.

I would never do that again. Ever.

And it all starts to feel lonely. Nobody gets it.

How do I pray to God about this?

Jesus was perfect. Can he really relate?

Yes, actually.

He lost.

He was angry.

He was betrayed.

He was hurt.

He made difficult decisions.

He questioned where God was.

He felt broken for the world we would come to.

And I’m reminded that I’m not alone. 

I’ve experienced a lot in my life.

so did Jesus.

He too walked a path similar to mine.

Different but similar.

And so I’ll remember forever.

I’ll remember when I over think.

so. did. jesus.

Finding Answers in the Scriptures Hardly Happens for Me

 I haven't always had those experiences where I ask God a question, open my scriptures, and read the answer to my question. In fact, I can probably only count on one hand the times that has happened to me. But today's post is one of those times. And maybe I'm looking too much into it, maybe not but I wanted to share it somewhere. I want to start blogging my thoughts during my scripture study more often so here is my effort for that. Haha!

I'm really behind in the CFM study this year but I'm doing my best. I try to read a little bit each day but I'm about 25+ sections behind. I was reading in section 30 of the Doctrine and Covenants when I realized that what I was reading was practically an answer to a question that has been weighing on my mind for a really long time.

I'm going to be vulnerable and honest here for a minute but I'm hoping that I don't come off as "poor me" or "man I have it really bad" or selfish in any way. But as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in 2021, life is hard. I'm not saying that while disregarding the hard life of many, many others. I just constantly have these feelings of exhaustion of trying to defend my beliefs. Trying to defend myself and prove to everyone that it's okay to be Mormon and love thy neighbor. It's never enough. No matter what the Mormons do, it's never enough for everyone.

I say that because the LGBTQ+ community weighs heavily on my mind almost daily. I think about the conflicting feelings I have as a member of this church AND how badly I love my brothers and sisters despite who they love. Their decisions to be in a relationship and/or marriage with someone of the same-sex does not align with our church doctrine but the world makes it so gosh dang hard for Mormons to be Mormons AND love those around them, including LGBTQ+. And maybe Mormons make it hard on themselves too. I can see why, I truly can, and I'm not here to argue that. I'm mostly just giving some background for today's post and where my thoughts and feelings are stemming from.

Every day I beg God to give me a reason for these feelings I'm experiencing. This heartbreak that I feel of wanting so badly to stay an active member of the church and also feeling like I'll never be taken seriously when I say I love people for who they are. I can't be both in the eyes of society and it hurts. It hurts a lot. But I beg God for answers every day. How can I live and do both? How can I stay in this church AND support my fellow LGBTQ+? It really upsets me and causes me a lot of frustration and anger. I worry that so many of my family members or friends, who aren't active or aren't members of the church, judge me now. That because they can "see more clearly" or are "100% themselves" that somehow I'm not and that somehow I can't. Like, why can't they support me as a member while not being a member? I don't know. Maybe that's where the line needs to be drawn and I need to reevaluate my relationships but I care too dang much about my friends and family. I just do.

Anyway, I was reading in section 30 and came across verse 2:

But your mind has been on the things of the earth more than on the things of me, your Maker, and the ministry whereunto you have been called and you have not given heed unto my Spirit, and to those who were set over you, but have been presuaded by those whom I have no commanded.

I knew it. I just knew that verse was for me. All last night I spent so much time thinking about my social media and unfollowing or unfriending people/accounts that bring me down or make me feel awful and worse about myself. People do it all of the time and there's nothing wrong with that but I hate that. I hate making that decision to remove myself from the lives of those I cared about. But I know.... I know so strongly that I need to put my focus on the important things and God is one of them. His church is one of them. His gospel is one of them. 

God cares about me and he loves me. He knows how hard this is for me and he is here to help me and love me along the way. And I know social media is stupid. It really doesn't matter. I could delete all of my social media and just be done but people matter to me. Relationships matter to me. I care too much about people. And ya know what? I might be that person for someone else. I might be someone that they need to unfollow or unfriend because what I choose to share may bring them negative feelings and I understand that. It's fair, and I try not to be that person but I know it's 100% possible. 

Anyway, I feel like all the begging I did to God last night was answered in the verse I mentioned above. I know what needs to be done and I know I need to refocus and realign my life.

Past Witnesses

 I know I mentioned before in my previous how I'm late to the game on my CFM study this year so this post is in regards to Doctrine and Covenants 6-9.

I just finished watching the Youtube video from Don't Miss This and I had a few thoughts that stuck out to me that I wanted to share. In these sections, the Lord often tells Oliver Cowdery to remember that he is the same God as he was from the first time he received revelation or had an answer to the prayer. There's a lot of importance on remembering God and seeing His hand in your life. 

I've talked many times about how I wish that my spirituality was the same today as it was when I was a teenager. I was a spiritual giant and it got me through so much in my life and I'm missing that now. So reading these sections really spoke to me. I know that God is wanting me to remember all of the times he showed up in my life. All of the times as a teenager when the spirit saved me or the gospel brought me comfort. God wants me to remember that. So even though I ache to be that spiritual giant I used to be, I can lean on those past experiences and knowledge that God is still there and he is the same. God still loves me and I'm still his child.

Something that I heard David and Emily say, I can't remember who exactly, was "hold onto your past witnesses." And that really stuck with me. I need to hold onto my past witnesses when the times get hard and my questions rise to the surface. I need to remember the goodness of God in all that I do. So I encourage you to remember the witnesses of your past and hold onto them. Write that down somewhere that you'll always see it and make an effort to remember. Heavenly Father deems it important for Oliver to remember, I can only imagine he feels these same about us.

He Is Showing Up For Me

Before motherhood, I felt like a huge piece of myself was missing. Now that I’m a mother, I feel it’s absence even more. I pushed it away a few years ago because I wanted to be accepted by those around me. I wanted to be loved and wanted regardless. I pushed it away and I buried it because being accepted felt more important than possibly standing alone. It has been so hard to find a balance of keeping that part of myself alive while also being accepted by my friends and family and society to be honest... The part of me that has been missing is my faith. My religion. My beliefs. Being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is becoming a difficult thing to be. We are hated and looked down upon. It’s a heavy burden to bear in today’s world. I have many friends and family who have left the church or who aren’t members. I still wanted them to love me. I still wanted them to want me in their life. I didn’t want our beliefs to separate us. So what did I do? I put my faith on the shelf and walked away. Nobody asked me to. I felt like I had to in order to keep these relationships.

I’ve been staring at my faith sitting on this shelf and feeling this need to get it down. I am missing this part of my soul. I’m missing this part of who I am. Why can’t I be loved by everyone too? Why can’t they accept this part of me too? I need this to survive. I need this to live and to be happy. I need God. I need to show up for myself but I’m struggling. Then I came across Courtney Casper and my life changed. She showed up for me in my life the way I need to show up for myself. She became the inspiration I needed to dust my faith off and find God again. I have been reading her book, “Choose Yes,” and it has been unbelievably good. It has been everything my heart needs and everything my faith needs. It has been everything I want for myself.

I worry every day which friendships I’ll lose for being a member of this church or which family member won’t feel connected to me because all I care about is my faith? I care what people think... and maybe too much. Courtney has helped me so much in finding my faith again. She has helped me restore that missing piece that I’ve been dying to find. I don’t even know her personally... I’ve never met her. But her example has been an answer to my prayers.

I just wanted to share this because it’s been on my heart for some time now and as a new mom, I’m getting tired of putting society before myself. I think daily about what I want to teach my daughter. I know that I’ll be loved even if it’s only by God. I want to work harder to be better about my faith. I don’t want to abandon it again. Don’t give up friends. Find what sets your soul on fire and don’t let it go.

God Is In the Details

If you remember my blog post about SALT Gathering then you'll remember how I mentioned the wonderful Kim White who was our concluding speaker.

Kim White recently passed away and she (and her family) has been on my mind every single day. I lost my dad to cancer almost 4 years ago and the feelings have been weighing on my heart as I think about the pain her family is currently going through. I know the feeling all too well and it's no good.

Kim was a light to all who knew her and were touched by her story. I had the privilege of hearing her speak at SALT and tell her story of battling cancer every single day. It was the most incredible thing I've ever listened to. She never forgot God. Not once did she give credit to anyone or anything else without first giving credit to God. God showed up for her. He showed up for her in many ways. It probably wasn't always the way she wanted or hoped or imagined he would... but he always did.

As I've been thinking about her this past week, I've been thinking a lot about the details in my life that God has been apart of. Where have I seen him? What has he shown up in or as? What details am I not paying attention to because I'm giving too much attention to details he's not in?

I am beyond grateful for Kim and her constant inspiration in my life. I remember right after she spoke I walked up to give her a hug and say thank you. I, of course, cried as I told her how happy I was that someone elses cancer story turned out differently than my dad's. I told her that it makes my heart so happy to see her still fighting and living and breathing. She gave me a big smile and said thank you. I do remember that as I was telling her this she was focused completely on me. She wasn't looking elsewhere or quickly waving hi to someone in passing. She gave me her attention... someone she didn't know a single thing about. She was probably in so much pain, and maybe very very tired but she didn't let it show.

That detail is how God showed up for me that day. He showed up for me as Kim. He showed up to tell me to look at the details. He gave me an inspiring reminder that he is aware of me and that he loves me. That no matter how many punches my life takes or how often I'm pushed to the ground... he is there with me. Every single time. I just need to look for him and thank him for showing up. Period.

I miss Kim's posts and seeing her fight so hard every single day. I will miss her dance parties and encouragement to just breathe and love life. I pray for her family every day as they mourn her and live through this difficult time. May we do our best to honor Kim and look for God in the details because he's there.

Be Thou An Example

I was talking with a friend the other day about the goals I have for the new year (also, a goal post coming soon)! I definitely have goals but I'm also trying not to set too many because I'll be welcoming the new year with my first baby.

One goal that I'm constantly thinking about, especially since I'll be a mother soon, is my spirituality. There is so much in that aspect of my life that is lacking. I know things get in the way and life throws us for a loop sometimes but I know that I can still do and be better about my spirituality.

When I was in high school, I attended a youth "camp" or conference, I guess you could call it, during the summer called EFY. The theme for the youth of the Church that year was "Be Thou An Example" being pulled from the scripture in 1 Timothy 4:12. I have reflected back on that verse many times in my life, especially during my teenage years. As I was talking with my friend about my goals, I kept going back to this scripture.

Am I being an example of the believers? Am I being an example in general? One thing that has been weighing heavily on my mind is how I'm going to teach my child about Jesus Christ and how I want to raise her in the Church. It's a big responsibility to lead and guide someone down the path of faith you love and believe in. I pray each day that I'll be able to do my best to teach her of our Savior and His life.

Here's a little throwback picture for you of my group at EFY.

There are so many things that I want to be better on that I am going to try my best to do in the coming year. It's also okay to set goals for January 1st and it's okay to set goals and start today! To each their own.

I want to truly participate in Come, Follow Me by sitting down to study each Sunday with my husband. I want to read in the scriptures each day, whether that includes a journal or not. I want to attend church each Sunday whether we're out of town visiting family or in our own ward. I want to participate in Fast Sunday each month (being pregnant, I haven't been able to) and truly try to focus on the blessing it is in my life. I want to love my daughter and teach her of the Savior and His love for her however I can do that. I would also love to increase my temple attendance but that might be a little rough to do with a newborn but I know it's doable!

I know that sometimes I put pressure on myself to be the best and to be perfect and all God wants is the effort. I need to step back and just remember to take it one day at a time and that's okay. God knows the intentions of my heart and that I love Him but it's also okay to want to do better.

May the Lord bless you in your spirituality today and in 2020.

Out of Habit

I woke up one Sunday morning and was hit with a big wave of anxiety. I don't even remember what brought it on but I couldn't get out of bed. I couldn't do it. I didn't have the strength. Church started in 30 minutes and I was nowhere near ready to go.

I quickly sent a text message to my husband, telling him I wouldn't be coming to church today because I was having so much anxiety about going and I just couldn't do it. I knew he would understand but I still felt so much guilt and disappointment.

This isn't the first time I've experienced anxiety about going to church. There was a period of time where I couldn't even sit in the chapel because it brought me so much anxiety. I'm not sure if it was the crowd or what but it was all I could do to sit in the foyer.

These types of anxiety-ridden episodes cause me so much pain and I tend to ponder all day long if God is upset with me or if I'm even really a good disciple because I skip church so much or because of these "lame" excuses. Who has anxiety about going to church? I couldn't even pinpoint what was causing my anxiety that morning.

Later that week, I expressed my concern with my husband. I told him that I just didn't understand why I had so much anxiety about going. Sometimes I dread it. I just don't want to go and face the people in my ward. I wish I could just go to church at home. Watch the lessons from the internet and call it good. Church is even 1 hour less than it used to be now and I'm still having these feelings!! What in the world was going on?

My husband looked at me and said, "It's just because you're out of habit. Once you start going again every week and pick up the things you were doing, it'll all come back and those feelings will go away." It may sound a little insensitive or as if he isn't really listening to me at all but I definitely got what he meant and didn't find it offensive at all. In fact, it really got me thinking.

I am out of habit. I rarely go to church each week and there isn't anyone to blame but myself. I've put up walls and have disliked certain things about where I am in life that I'm punishing myself by not going to church and receiving those blessings that could help me break down those walls. I don't read my scriptures every day (if ever) and I used to eat. them. up. My first set of scriptures that I received when I turned 8 are falling apart at the seams and you almost can't find a verse that isn't marked. I also never say my prayers. Only when I'm in dire need of something. It's really selfish and I often wonder where God is and why I'm not receiving help. Then I realize where I am in my life and maybe that plays a part in where He is in my life.

I know God is forgiving and loving and kind and he will always be there for me but I can't help but think I've let go of my end of the rope but still expect him to hold onto his end. The reason I'm sharing this experience/thought is that I know I'm not the only one who gets out of habit sometimes. I'm not alone in my struggle to pray, read my scriptures each day and attend church each week. We all have our "things" that we deal with and its something we have to work on each day. I guess I just want you to know that you're not alone.

As I ponder these words, I'm going to do my best to remember God each day and hopefully that will invite the Spirit into my home and inspire me to pick up my scriptures (no matter how long it has been) and encourage me to attend church on Sunday with a prayerful heart that the Lord will be there to comfort me when I'm feeling anxious again. I know he will not forsake me!

Thy Walls Are Continually Before Me

In my scripture study recently, I have come across two different things that kind of give me the same meaning.

In my Sunday scripture study with my husband, we were studying in the Bible (New Testament) John chapters 7 through 10. In John chapter 10, you learn about Jesus the Good Shepherd and his care for us as his "sheep." I want to point out in verse 4, we learn of Jesus:

"And when he putteth forth his own sheep, he goeth before them, and the sheep follow him: for they know his voice," - John 10: 4

Now let's turn to the Book of Mormon. In the first book of Nephi, chapter 21 verse 16, it reads:

 "Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me." - 1 Nephi 21:16

One thing I really love about personal scripture study is that you can take the verses for what they are and apply them to your life for what they mean to you when you read them. I always read with a fresh, new book of scripture so that I can learn something new instead of always referring back to notes I've taken before on the verses.

One thing I remember discussing in a therapy session was how I view my mental health and my life. I told my therapist that, to me, my depression and my anxiety and self-esteem is this huge brick wall built in front of me. There's no way around it or over it or under it. But in this brick wall is a window. It's a square window that is sealed with no way to open it. I can see through it. I see the life I'm meant to live, the things I desire most and I see happiness through this window.

I've always felt like I have no idea how to get on the other side of this wall. I've tried for years through medication, therapy, inpatient mental health care, exercise, blogging, journaling, working, reading, pampering myself..... and I've never gotten through this brick wall OR the window. But it's all there and it taunts me. It's lonely and makes me feel very weak.

As I've read these two scripture verses above, I've realized that Christ is on MY SIDE of the brick wall. He is looking through the window with me. Just as he says in 1 Nephi 21:16, my wall is before him. He stands at the brick wall WITH me. As we are told in John 10:4, he goes before me. He leads me along the path I'm meant to be on. He went first so that he could understand my journey of going next. Does that make sense?

I don't know if you could call this a light bulb moment or somehow I'm finally realizing this but for the longest time I have felt SO ALONE on my side of the brick wall that I never ever imagined Christ would also be on my side of the brick wall. I don't know when he and I will figure out a way to get on the other side but for now, I'm not alone in looking through the window. I'm not alone in trying every single day to get on the other side of this wall.

It gives me the strength to know that I have his help and his loving guidance in my life. I'm not alone and reading the scriptures help me see that. I'm so grateful that I chose to read the scriptures so that I could learn this and carry it with me each day.

He Lives!

Sometimes I just don't feel the spirit…. Sometimes I wonder if God is really helping me. I don't feel purpose or direction. I have tasted happiness years go and I don't know how to get it back. Yes, I know reading scriptures will help but every time I try to read, I stop. I don't know why either. I am really struggling. It is so hard. I'm not who I used to be. Every single day I become someone new. I feel so distant from everything. I have my husband and family, great friends and acquaintances. But with the darkness I'm in, sometimes that isn't allowed to be enough. I keep searching for something but I don't know what… Maybe I just need some alone time in the Temple…It's hard when you don't feel okay.

But when I read the ensign, or sing a hymn at church, I feel God's love for me and I feel like I can go on. But then tomorrow comes and it's a completely different story. Except for today. A couple of weeks ago, I was feeling crummier than ever. I was upset and mad that I'm still dealing with this mental illness even 10 years later. But after going to the temple, I couldn't help but feel Gods love for me. I'm also reminded of a wonderful hymn that brings me to tears each time I sing it.

"He lives, to plead for me above. He lives my hungry soul to feed, He lives to bless in time of need." - He lives. He lives to tell Heavenly Father that I'm having a hard time. He lives to feed my hungry spiritual soul with happiness while pleading with the Lord during my time of need. He lives to beg for peace and contentment. He lives for me.

"He lives to comfort me when faint, He lives to hear my soul's complaint. He lives to silence all my fears, He lives to wipe away my tears. He lives to calm my troubled heart." - He lives to comfort me. He lives to comfort me through the night and into the day. He lives to bring that peace to my soul. He lives to hear me nag and complain about my horrible no good life. He lives to hear it again and again and again…. but He lives to silence my fears and replace it with faith. He lives to teach me that faith cannot reside where fear does. He lives to teach me of God's love. He lives to wipe away the tears that have ever fallen in the morning before work. He lives to fill the cracks in my heart with love and eternal joy. He lives to calm my troubled, very troubled heart. He lives to answer my questions and bring peace to my soul.

He lives for me and He always will. I know that there is a God. I know that His Son Jesus Christ lives for me. He fights for me day in and day out. He pleads with me to trust in God. He pleads with me to allow Him to ease my troubled soul. "He lives and loves me to the end."

"He lives all glory to His name. He lives my Savior still the same. Oh sweet, the joy this sentence gives. I know that My Redeemer lives."

He lives, and because he does, so can I…

Does God Really Count My Tears?

After a previous post about feeling empty with the internet, and not with Christ, the question in the title of this post came to mind. It's amazing what a bad day can do for you. It tends to make you ponder life's questions and seek out the answers from Christ.

I like to think that I pray throughout the day. Usually, those prayers are silent, in my head, prayers. But they're there, nonetheless. I often hear quotes like, "Men, be careful not to make women weep, for God counts their tears." Or in some different form, but it's usually about God counting our tears as women. So that's where the question came from.

Does God really count my tears?

And I believe the answer is yes. I've always wondered why, or what is He going to do with counting them. What does it mean? That sort of thing. I'm not sure I'll ever know the answer but I like to think of it this way.

As God counts our tears, it is a reminder for us, that He is paying attention. It is a reminder that He is listening, that He is aware of us, in our moment of despair. God is ever mindful of our needs and loves us. He wants to help us in our lives. He wants to hug us and send angels to surround us with feelings of peace and comfort.

“I Will Give You Rest” by Yongsung Kim

I believe God wants us to know He counts our tears for that reason. So that we know He is there, listening, watching, and thinking of us. Seems like a weird way of showing us, His children, that He knows we exist, and that He is paying attention to us. It's very comforting to know this.

I believe God counts the tears of men as well. We are always going to be His children. Daughters; Sons. He loves us. I cannot emphasize that enough. It is a tough road that I've been on, but clinging to the knowledge that God loves me, and is aware of me, has truly carried me. We are so blessed to have such a loving Heavenly Father.

So, I encourage you to remember next time, that as tears fall from your eyes (good or bad), or you hear that quote… remember that God is thinking of you. He is paying attention to you. You are His child. And nothing will ever change that.

Begin to Believe

I have been doing a lot for myself lately and I really want to grow spiritually. Many of you know I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. We believe the Book of Mormon to be another testament of Jesus Christ and so we study and read and apply it to our daily lives.

I've been trying to find ways to make work a bit more spiritual so that I'm not so anxious about being there. I just picked up where I left off which was 2 Nephi 30 and I came across verse 7, which reads:

"And it shall come to pass that the Jews which are scattered also shall begin to believe in Christ; and they shall begin to gather in upon the face of the land; and as many as shall believe in Christ shall also become a delightsome people." - 2 Nephi 30:7

 This verse stuck out to me because of the part that says begin to believe in Christ. I really do need to work harder to believe in Christ and in His teachings. so today, I'm going to begin to believe in Christ again. And it will be glorious. Can't wait to share more of my readings from this wonderful book.

 I loved working for the Church when I did. It allowed me to freely read the Book of Mormon and not be judged. I love that I can blog about things that I love and that are close to my heart.

I want you to know that I know that God lives and loves us. We are his children and he is aware of our needs. I know that if we begin to believe now our lives will change for the better and we will be much happier. I'm grateful for this gospel! I believe in Christ.

“Come to Me” by Yongsung Kim

Christ is Not Empty

"Risen Hope,” by Joseph Brickey

I have deeply loved this painting since I first saw in inside the waiting room at the Salt Lake Temple. The colors just literally grab my heart and soul and make me want to drop to my knees. It's beautiful, and perfectly portrays the morning of the resurrection. I love the simple sunlight peaking through, and how rich the colors are, including the robe worn by Christ. I wish I could find a hard copy somewhere!

I was having a hard time one day, and the day before that and the day before that. My dad was sick, classes were starting, no more holiday breaks from work and working out again just really got to me. I tend to bottle things up inside and then some small tiny hurtful thing can just release all of this emotion. It's really hard for me to live like that but I'm working on being better about bottling things inside.

During work the following week, I decided to start listening to talks while I was working. Between Elder Bednar's talk, Elder Ballard's talk and President Uchtdorf's talk in October 2015, they (in some way) were speaking about turning to Christ, as they mentioned social media.

If you know me well at all, I love social media. I love networking, online socials and the benefits they are to us. I believe in sharing the gospel through the internet, and social media makes it very easy. As I was listening I noticed a trend of them speaking of turning to the Internet more, than Christ. We turn there because it is the worldly thing to do. It is easy, quick and natural. As we do that, we are left feeling empty. The internet and social media are empty; they serve no purpose in providing answers to life's questions. But that we need to turn to Christ first because He is not empty.

It really got me thinking about that. Christ is not empty, and He will never leave me feeling empty. As we turn to Him, He will fill our hearts and soul with peace and comfort. And that feeling may be the very answer we are seeking. Even if we do not read the answer in scripture, hear it in a prayer or a talk. Christ Himself is the answer.

I thought it was a beautiful thing, and I'm so glad I was blessed with the Spirit to share this with me. Having a bad day can often make things very difficult. It's very frustrating and hard to always turn to the scriptures, prayer or spirit-inviting music, and it's not always what I want to do. But I am never left feeling empty when I do those things. I am never left wondering why and where my purpose is. I am never left alone.

Christ is my Savior, my King. He is my Redeemer and my Friend. Without Him, I'm not sure how I would live my life. I have a strong testimony of Christ and His love. I have a testimony that He lives, and He loves me and He loves YOU. He is here for us if we turn to Him. He is waiting for us. Do not hesitate today, to turn to Him first. I promise you will be filled again, never to be empty.

How Could Christ Help Me Cope With Depression?

If there is any question I hear often from those who struggle with depression and/or anxiety, it is this:

How could Christ help me cope with depression?

I really do hear it a lot, and it is nothing to be ashamed of if you have ever asked yourself that question. I know I have asked it before! How can someone who is not physically here, help me work through those bad days? How can He help me get out of bed when today just doesn't seem possible in any aspect?

He can, and that's what I'm going to share with you right now.

I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. - Phillippians 4:13

After I found out that I lost a dear friend to suicide, I felt so lost. I spent many days sleeping in, and/or not sleeping at all. I would lay there, in silence. Screaming inside my head for relief—for this nightmare to end. I had just decided that the Church was something I wanted in my life not many months prior. Why would God give this to me? Someone who repented, made a righteous choice to come back to the Church? I didn't understand.

I often found myself angry. That I couldn't physically speak to Christ, let alone my Heavenly Father. I was angry that my prayers weren't being answered when and how I wanted them to be answered. I searched for days on end, scripture after scripture, prayer after prayer, letter after letter to the leaders of The Church on this topic. I needed healing.

Image c/o The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

It's been 9 years now, since those trying days, and though I still struggle today, it has become a lot easier to deal with. Not completely, but much more than I ever thought it could be. If you think about it, during those moments of pain, heartache, crying, begging, screaming… how many times have you thought of Christ or God? How many of those sleepless nights have pushed you to pray? Read your scriptures or listen to hymns?

That my friends is how Christ helps you cope. The very thought of Him—the very thought of needing Him and wondering where He is, is the first step to laying your burdens at His feet. It is the first step to sleeping one more hour. It is the first step to making it through the next 24 hours, 4 weeks, 12 months, 4 years…. The very thought of Christ comforting us does, in fact, bring comfort. Knowing that we can pray whenever and wherever, and thinking of Him brings relief.

I didn't realize it until now, but that's pretty huge. I have often, and very often, cried out to the Lord where Christ is, and why am I'm not finding peace!? But it is in those small moments, when the Holy Ghost ever so sweetly and gently, puts thought into my mind to pray. To think of and ask for the comfort of Christ. We are so loved and surrounded by so many angels in heaven and on earth. Heavenly Father never wants us to be alone; ever ever ever.

I encourage you to remember this and to remember the next time you are struggling, that Christ is already with you in that first thought of seeking Him.

The Act of Forgiving

Salt Lake Temple 2016 © Ashley Ziegler

Did you watch the First Presidency Christmas Devotional this past Sunday? It was wonderful! I really loved it and all of the simple, yet powerful messages shared! I thought that each message was my favorite and then I heard the next and it became a favorite. I ended up loving them all!

When President Nelson got up to speak, I wasn't expecting him to give an answer to a prayer that I had two months ago, during General Conference. I received my answer then but I think the Lord wanted to send the answer again. I was really surprised and wasn't expecting to hear his message but it was just what my heart needed.

I struggle with forgiveness. Mostly because my physical body can't figure out how to forgive in a way that my mind is asking it too. Does that make sense? For some reason, I feel like forgiveness is a physical thing and so I struggle with doing anything about forgiveness.

Forgiveness can be a really uneasy subject for most, and can actually turn conversations south. I really want to forgive in my life. I am really tired of carrying around hurt and angry feelings. It's only affecting me right? Not the other person? So why then, is it so stinkin' hard to do? How do you go on in life as if nothing ever happened?

One phrase from President Nelson's talk that spoke to me was this,

"Through His infinite Atonement, you can forgive those who have hurt you and who may never accept responsibility for their cruelty to you."

 That is where my issue with forgiveness lies. Accepting the apology you're never going to get. It's like a thorn stuck in your side that's been there for a very long time and you think it's time to pull it out but you just can't bring yourself to do it because it is going to be so painful. But you know it will make everything so much better once you finally do.

So how do I do this? How do I forgive and let go? How do I let my Savior's healing power, pull out this thorn stuck in my side? How do I go on with my life "as if nothing ever happened"? These are the questions I'm sincerely seeking answers for and I hope and pray that I can feel of God's love for me and that as hard as the act of forgiving is, I can actually do it with his help. I pray that His love will heal me from the hurt and anger that I feel.

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Is there someone in your life that is needing your forgiveness or someone that you are seeking forgiveness from? What is the act of forgiving like in your life and how are you able to apply our Savior's Atonement in your life?

President Russell M. Nelson's Invitation

Life post-General Conference is about to get really good!

General Conference was quite amazing this past weekend. We also held the Women's Session for the year! I miss having it at both conferences but the change is good. I had a few favorite talks but a lot of them I'm going to re-listen to.

I sat down tonight to work on some of the blog posts I had lined up but changed my mind for today's post. During the women's session on Saturday night, President Russell M. Nelson invited the women to do the following:

1. Participate in a 10-day fast from social media and other negative influences.
2. Read the Book of Mormon between now and the end of the year.
3. Establish a pattern of regular temple attendance.
4. Participate fully in Relief Society.

I'm going to be participating in this 10-day fast from social media! I'm nervous, just like everyone else, that it'll be really hard but I know that it will be good for my soul. You won't see any blog posts for those 10 days as well.

 I've also started my Book of Mormon reading today! I'm reading from a replica edition of the scriptures when it was first published. It's a really neat edition and because of its format, chapter one actually consists of chapters 1-5 in the current edition of the scriptures. It's going to be a great, spiritually uplifting week! See you all in 10 days!

Did We Know Him?

"Well Done” by Del Parson

 One time I attended an Institute class about Jesus Christ and the Everlasting Gospel. We began by turning to The Living Christ and a few scriptures in the Book of Mormon. The teacher asked us two questions when the class first began.

Who is Jesus Christ? and Why do you believe in him?

I remember everyone just kind of hesitantly looking at each other. I let a few other classmates go first because I knew we only had so much time. I shared that I believe in him because he believes in me. Simple, and probably a generic answer but we didn't have much time.

At the end of the class, my teacher shared a quote by Joseph Smith Jr.

“At the first organization in heaven we were all present and saw the Savior chosen and appointed and the plan of salvation made, and we sanctioned it” (Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Joseph Smith [2007], 209)

After reading this my teacher explained something along the lines of: "here is this man... who stepped forward to atone for ALL of our sins." And then he said, "Did we even know him?" Which is where this blog post comes in.

Did we know Jesus Christ? Did we know anything about him? What made us agree that he be the one to come down to earth and make the ultimate sacrifice if we didn't know him? Which brings me full circle to the first question we were asked that night.

Who is Jesus Christ? And why do you believe in Him? Being able to bear testimony of our Savior while also pondering the thought that we may not have even known him is kind of cool! I'm not even sure if any of this is making sense, but it really hit me that night.

Jesus Christ is the Son of God. He is my best friend, my Redeemer, my Heartache healer... He is so much of my life. It is because of his selfless act that I am able to pray to my Father in Heaven and ask for forgiveness, help, and comfort. I feel of Gods love for me and I know that he is there because of His Beloved Son, my Advocate.

I love this photo by Del Parsons. I feel so comforted looking at it. What a wonderful man Jesus Christ is! I want to take into action what President Russell M. Nelson did when he read every single thing about Jesus Christ in the scriptures. If you don't know what I'm talking about, click here. I want to come to know my Savior even better and more than I do now... scripturally and personally.

I love my Savior. I know that He lives. I know that He loves me, believes in me and supports me in all that I do. It is because of Him that I can be happy in this life and the life hereafter. And I know that He can do the same for you.

Temples Under Construction

 I really love this Facebook post that Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf made about temples and those temples that are closed. He said:

"During my trip, I received many inquiries regarding when the temples in Paris and Frankfurt would open. Certainly, the Lord is pleased when we want to enter His holy home and receive sacred ordinances for our families and ourselves. However, I couldn’t help but wonder if instead of being so concerned about when a temple would be completed, perhaps we would make better use of our time to spiritually prepare to be worthy to enter these temples at any time—regardless of their availability date."

  Having lived in Utah, we are blessed immensely with temples. As of April 2018, there are 19 temples operating, under construction, or announced in Utah. I know that the Salt Lake Valley is the only valley to have 4 temples in it. It's crazy! I know there are a lot of people out there who aren't near a temple, maybe they're miles or hours or days away or maybe.... they don't even have a temple. I have definitely taken for granted going to the temple in Utah. I knew that one would always be open if others are closed. I could always go to the temple, at any time-day, night, week, weekend, hour... anything. So, I often don't go.

The Jordan River Temple holds a special place in my heart. It was closed for over two years. I was so anxious for it to be open again! It's been the assigned temple in every ward I've been in. I love it there so much! I received my endowment there, my parents were sealed there, my husband received his endowment there, it was the first temple I ever went inside of to do work for the dead... there's just a lot of meaning to it for me and now it looks different! I was excited to see this long-overdue construction end!

Back to what President Uchtdorf said, I think he makes a really strong point. It is so important for us not to lose focus on the meaning of the temple. The influence of the temple in our lives can be really strong and we need to work on that continually. Whether we have 19 temples, 1 temple, a temple that is 5 or 6 hours away or days away, we should ALWAYS be working and studying and praying to be more righteous and worthy so that we may enter the House of the Lord anywhere and at any time. We cannot lose focus on the true meaning of going to the temple.

I encourage you to find a time to go to the temple yourself. I've had people make not so nice comments because sometimes I choose to go to the temple by myself - aka, without my husband. That's OKAY. There is nothing wrong with spending alone time in the temple, or going with your friends. You made covenants with the Lord too, spend some time with him in his house. You won't regret it.

I Am Capable

This post is coming to you a little late. Sometimes I have great ideas for blog posts and then at the last minute, I change my mind. Last weekend I attended an event called Love Your Life. The event was held by Hilary Weeks and Emily Belle Freeman. They are both wonderful women!

It was a wonderful night full of inspiration, love and some beautiful music by Hilary herself. She's such an amazing artist and it was a real treat to be able to hear her sing live. I have loved her music since I was a little girl. My mother would play her songs every Sunday while getting ready for church. Because of that, Hilary Weeks is one of my favorite gospel singers and I cannot wait for her new album to come out sometime soon (hopefully)!!

We had a mini-workbook where we did little exercises together and even had moments to talk among those at our tables. It was great! One particular exercise we did was about self-care.

On the right, you can see that there are quite a few different qualities listed for us to check off. There's a catch. You have to check qualities that the Lord sees in you. It was a humbling thing to do and one that I wanted to do honestly.

As I'm checking the boxes, none of them stood out to me until I read the word Capable. I'm not sure why but it just hit me really hard. For a long time, I have felt like I wasn't capable enough to do certain things in my life. I wasn't sure I could actually finish school or hold a job. I wasn't sure if I could keep up with my friendships and nurture my family relationships. I've struggled with not being perfect... but who hasn't?

When I read the word capable, I got this really peaceful feeling. Almost a warmth like some people describe the Spirit to be. Immediately I had all of these thoughts come to my head. The Spirit was telling me that I am capable. I am capable of starting a blog. I am capable of finishing school. I am capable of being a good wife and future mother. I am capable of reading my scriptures and saying my prayers each day. I'm capable of holding a job and not letting my anxiety ruin in. I'm capable of being a good Sunday School teacher to some of the youth in our ward.

I just felt this sense of confidence that the Lord really believes I'm capable. I'm capable of so many things and he sees that in me. It was humbling and very relieving because I've always believed that I have failed so many people, most importantly, my Heavenly Father. I think we can all feel that way sometimes and it's hard not to. We're imperfect people trying to become perfect like Christ.

This is a really great activity to do from time to time to help build your self-confidence. The Lord loves us and he believes in us. We are capable.