We Are Numbered

I’m behind again. On my CFM studies. 

 Life has been so busy these last two weeks. 

 I started school. My daughter started daycare. 

 I thought maybe the feelings of loneliness would go away if I was busy. 

 But they haven’t.. 

I wonder every day when this unwanted friend will leave me. 

 Does lonely get lonely? 

 In the first lesson with @dontmissthisstudy, they go over Moses 1:35 

 “…all things are numbered into me, for they are mine and I know them.” 

 We are numbered. 

 We are His. 

 He knows us. 

 So why isn’t that enough? Why doesn’t that just make me not lonely anymore? 

 Well, I think my physical body needs to catch up to what my spiritual body knows and that’s okay. 

 It’s okay to take time to discover and learn the love God has for you. 

 It doesn’t have to be immediate. 

 But you are numbered. 

 You belong to someone. 

 And they know you.

Finding Answers in the Scriptures Hardly Happens for Me

 I haven't always had those experiences where I ask God a question, open my scriptures, and read the answer to my question. In fact, I can probably only count on one hand the times that has happened to me. But today's post is one of those times. And maybe I'm looking too much into it, maybe not but I wanted to share it somewhere. I want to start blogging my thoughts during my scripture study more often so here is my effort for that. Haha!

I'm really behind in the CFM study this year but I'm doing my best. I try to read a little bit each day but I'm about 25+ sections behind. I was reading in section 30 of the Doctrine and Covenants when I realized that what I was reading was practically an answer to a question that has been weighing on my mind for a really long time.

I'm going to be vulnerable and honest here for a minute but I'm hoping that I don't come off as "poor me" or "man I have it really bad" or selfish in any way. But as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in 2021, life is hard. I'm not saying that while disregarding the hard life of many, many others. I just constantly have these feelings of exhaustion of trying to defend my beliefs. Trying to defend myself and prove to everyone that it's okay to be Mormon and love thy neighbor. It's never enough. No matter what the Mormons do, it's never enough for everyone.

I say that because the LGBTQ+ community weighs heavily on my mind almost daily. I think about the conflicting feelings I have as a member of this church AND how badly I love my brothers and sisters despite who they love. Their decisions to be in a relationship and/or marriage with someone of the same-sex does not align with our church doctrine but the world makes it so gosh dang hard for Mormons to be Mormons AND love those around them, including LGBTQ+. And maybe Mormons make it hard on themselves too. I can see why, I truly can, and I'm not here to argue that. I'm mostly just giving some background for today's post and where my thoughts and feelings are stemming from.

Every day I beg God to give me a reason for these feelings I'm experiencing. This heartbreak that I feel of wanting so badly to stay an active member of the church and also feeling like I'll never be taken seriously when I say I love people for who they are. I can't be both in the eyes of society and it hurts. It hurts a lot. But I beg God for answers every day. How can I live and do both? How can I stay in this church AND support my fellow LGBTQ+? It really upsets me and causes me a lot of frustration and anger. I worry that so many of my family members or friends, who aren't active or aren't members of the church, judge me now. That because they can "see more clearly" or are "100% themselves" that somehow I'm not and that somehow I can't. Like, why can't they support me as a member while not being a member? I don't know. Maybe that's where the line needs to be drawn and I need to reevaluate my relationships but I care too dang much about my friends and family. I just do.

Anyway, I was reading in section 30 and came across verse 2:

But your mind has been on the things of the earth more than on the things of me, your Maker, and the ministry whereunto you have been called and you have not given heed unto my Spirit, and to those who were set over you, but have been presuaded by those whom I have no commanded.

I knew it. I just knew that verse was for me. All last night I spent so much time thinking about my social media and unfollowing or unfriending people/accounts that bring me down or make me feel awful and worse about myself. People do it all of the time and there's nothing wrong with that but I hate that. I hate making that decision to remove myself from the lives of those I cared about. But I know.... I know so strongly that I need to put my focus on the important things and God is one of them. His church is one of them. His gospel is one of them. 

God cares about me and he loves me. He knows how hard this is for me and he is here to help me and love me along the way. And I know social media is stupid. It really doesn't matter. I could delete all of my social media and just be done but people matter to me. Relationships matter to me. I care too much about people. And ya know what? I might be that person for someone else. I might be someone that they need to unfollow or unfriend because what I choose to share may bring them negative feelings and I understand that. It's fair, and I try not to be that person but I know it's 100% possible. 

Anyway, I feel like all the begging I did to God last night was answered in the verse I mentioned above. I know what needs to be done and I know I need to refocus and realign my life.

Preparing for General Conference

Does anyone remember President Russell M. Nelson's call to prepare for April 2020 General Conference?

You may wish to begin your preparation by reading afresh Joseph Smith’s account of the First Vision as recorded in the Pearl of Great Price.

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A post shared by @marycox.art on Jan 12, 2020 at 9:30pm PST

This image was entered into the Work + Wonder Co's workbook submission for April 2020. It's probably one of my very favorites I've seen. I have been giving it a lot of thought, what President Nelson said.

I have read the First Vision in the Pearl of Great price what feels like a million times. I have marked up my scriptures with so much insight I'm not sure I could mark anymore! But that's not the point. I'm not going to lie. I definitely slacked when it came to studying the Restoration and here we are, only 2 weeks until General Conference.

One thing I have done is watch the YouTube videos that Dave Butler did on the Restoration. They are so amazing and have been a light in my life these past couple of weeks. I absolutely loved Seminary and Institute and it felt like I was in a class again watching his videos. I also love the podcast he does with Emily Belle Freeman. This video, in particular, is my favorite for many reasons but one of them is that there are actual books that were owned by church leaders in the glass case he's standing by. In fact, he even gets to hold one with his bare hands.

I have dreamed many times of holding actual church artifacts with my own hands. I know many people who have had the opportunity, Elder Holland being one of them. But as I experience those feelings and the excitement I would expect to feel while holding those items, I am reminded of my love for the Book of Mormon. I am reminded of my love for Joseph Smith and the sacrifices he made so that I can hold this book of scripture in my hands today, by my own free will.

I am so excited about this upcoming General Conference and I have absolutely no idea what it will be like but I can say this... preparing for it (or the lack of preparation) has brought back so much strength to my testimony of Joseph Smith and the Restoration. It has brought back a motivation and inspiration to study my scriptures more and to dedicate time to the word of God. I hope you have found the same in your preparation (or the lack thereof).

He Is Showing Up For Me

Before motherhood, I felt like a huge piece of myself was missing. Now that I’m a mother, I feel it’s absence even more. I pushed it away a few years ago because I wanted to be accepted by those around me. I wanted to be loved and wanted regardless. I pushed it away and I buried it because being accepted felt more important than possibly standing alone. It has been so hard to find a balance of keeping that part of myself alive while also being accepted by my friends and family and society to be honest... The part of me that has been missing is my faith. My religion. My beliefs. Being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is becoming a difficult thing to be. We are hated and looked down upon. It’s a heavy burden to bear in today’s world. I have many friends and family who have left the church or who aren’t members. I still wanted them to love me. I still wanted them to want me in their life. I didn’t want our beliefs to separate us. So what did I do? I put my faith on the shelf and walked away. Nobody asked me to. I felt like I had to in order to keep these relationships.

I’ve been staring at my faith sitting on this shelf and feeling this need to get it down. I am missing this part of my soul. I’m missing this part of who I am. Why can’t I be loved by everyone too? Why can’t they accept this part of me too? I need this to survive. I need this to live and to be happy. I need God. I need to show up for myself but I’m struggling. Then I came across Courtney Casper and my life changed. She showed up for me in my life the way I need to show up for myself. She became the inspiration I needed to dust my faith off and find God again. I have been reading her book, “Choose Yes,” and it has been unbelievably good. It has been everything my heart needs and everything my faith needs. It has been everything I want for myself.

I worry every day which friendships I’ll lose for being a member of this church or which family member won’t feel connected to me because all I care about is my faith? I care what people think... and maybe too much. Courtney has helped me so much in finding my faith again. She has helped me restore that missing piece that I’ve been dying to find. I don’t even know her personally... I’ve never met her. But her example has been an answer to my prayers.

I just wanted to share this because it’s been on my heart for some time now and as a new mom, I’m getting tired of putting society before myself. I think daily about what I want to teach my daughter. I know that I’ll be loved even if it’s only by God. I want to work harder to be better about my faith. I don’t want to abandon it again. Don’t give up friends. Find what sets your soul on fire and don’t let it go.

God Is In the Details

If you remember my blog post about SALT Gathering then you'll remember how I mentioned the wonderful Kim White who was our concluding speaker.

Kim White recently passed away and she (and her family) has been on my mind every single day. I lost my dad to cancer almost 4 years ago and the feelings have been weighing on my heart as I think about the pain her family is currently going through. I know the feeling all too well and it's no good.

Kim was a light to all who knew her and were touched by her story. I had the privilege of hearing her speak at SALT and tell her story of battling cancer every single day. It was the most incredible thing I've ever listened to. She never forgot God. Not once did she give credit to anyone or anything else without first giving credit to God. God showed up for her. He showed up for her in many ways. It probably wasn't always the way she wanted or hoped or imagined he would... but he always did.

As I've been thinking about her this past week, I've been thinking a lot about the details in my life that God has been apart of. Where have I seen him? What has he shown up in or as? What details am I not paying attention to because I'm giving too much attention to details he's not in?

I am beyond grateful for Kim and her constant inspiration in my life. I remember right after she spoke I walked up to give her a hug and say thank you. I, of course, cried as I told her how happy I was that someone elses cancer story turned out differently than my dad's. I told her that it makes my heart so happy to see her still fighting and living and breathing. She gave me a big smile and said thank you. I do remember that as I was telling her this she was focused completely on me. She wasn't looking elsewhere or quickly waving hi to someone in passing. She gave me her attention... someone she didn't know a single thing about. She was probably in so much pain, and maybe very very tired but she didn't let it show.

That detail is how God showed up for me that day. He showed up for me as Kim. He showed up to tell me to look at the details. He gave me an inspiring reminder that he is aware of me and that he loves me. That no matter how many punches my life takes or how often I'm pushed to the ground... he is there with me. Every single time. I just need to look for him and thank him for showing up. Period.

I miss Kim's posts and seeing her fight so hard every single day. I will miss her dance parties and encouragement to just breathe and love life. I pray for her family every day as they mourn her and live through this difficult time. May we do our best to honor Kim and look for God in the details because he's there.

Goals for 2020

Howdy! It's 2020!! Can you believe it!? I'm back with another blog post about my faith-based 2020 goals! I didn't do very well in my 2019 goals but, I tried! It's hard when you aren't truly specific about your goals so I'm going to try and do that this year.

My blog posts have been few and far between because I'm pregnant and my baby is due this month and the exhaustion is REAL! But I'm going to try and set some goals for this blog and try really hard to stay in-tune with the Spirit about where the Lord wants me to take it.

• Stop, drop, and find. Courtney Casper has been a huge influence in my life lately when it comes to scripture study. I want to work really hard to stop, drop and find in at least 5 minutes of my day. We're reading the Book of Mormon this year for Come, Follow Me and I want to spend a lot more time in the scriptures, especially with a little one on the way!
• Post 1 blog post a month on this blog. Like I said earlier, my posting has been few and far between but I really want to try and get at least 1 up a month. I say that because I have no idea what life will be like with a newborn and I don't want to set the bar too high.
• Read 5 faith-based books. Last year, I read way more than my goal and I'm really happy about that! I'd love to shoot for the same amount but we'll see so I'm going to set my goal for at least 5! I love using the Deseret Bookshelf PLUS app!
• Print off a habit tracker and track my morning and evening prayers. I really want to spend more time in prayer this year. I have a big life change happening and I want to stay close to God. I also want to track doing my Come, Follow Me for the week with my family as well!
• Email newsletter. I have always been intrigued by learning how to do an email subscription list. Not everybody uses Bloglovin' to follow their favorite blogs nor do they follow IG/FB pages for post updates so I'm wondering if an email would be better! I'd like to learn this but if I don't achieve it during 2020, no big deal!

I think that's a good amount of goals for me and this blog and my spirituality. If I feel like adding more or forget something then I will add when it comes ;)

What are your spiritual goals for 2020?

Be Thou An Example

I was talking with a friend the other day about the goals I have for the new year (also, a goal post coming soon)! I definitely have goals but I'm also trying not to set too many because I'll be welcoming the new year with my first baby.

One goal that I'm constantly thinking about, especially since I'll be a mother soon, is my spirituality. There is so much in that aspect of my life that is lacking. I know things get in the way and life throws us for a loop sometimes but I know that I can still do and be better about my spirituality.

When I was in high school, I attended a youth "camp" or conference, I guess you could call it, during the summer called EFY. The theme for the youth of the Church that year was "Be Thou An Example" being pulled from the scripture in 1 Timothy 4:12. I have reflected back on that verse many times in my life, especially during my teenage years. As I was talking with my friend about my goals, I kept going back to this scripture.

Am I being an example of the believers? Am I being an example in general? One thing that has been weighing heavily on my mind is how I'm going to teach my child about Jesus Christ and how I want to raise her in the Church. It's a big responsibility to lead and guide someone down the path of faith you love and believe in. I pray each day that I'll be able to do my best to teach her of our Savior and His life.

Here's a little throwback picture for you of my group at EFY.

There are so many things that I want to be better on that I am going to try my best to do in the coming year. It's also okay to set goals for January 1st and it's okay to set goals and start today! To each their own.

I want to truly participate in Come, Follow Me by sitting down to study each Sunday with my husband. I want to read in the scriptures each day, whether that includes a journal or not. I want to attend church each Sunday whether we're out of town visiting family or in our own ward. I want to participate in Fast Sunday each month (being pregnant, I haven't been able to) and truly try to focus on the blessing it is in my life. I want to love my daughter and teach her of the Savior and His love for her however I can do that. I would also love to increase my temple attendance but that might be a little rough to do with a newborn but I know it's doable!

I know that sometimes I put pressure on myself to be the best and to be perfect and all God wants is the effort. I need to step back and just remember to take it one day at a time and that's okay. God knows the intentions of my heart and that I love Him but it's also okay to want to do better.

May the Lord bless you in your spirituality today and in 2020.

Out of Habit

I woke up one Sunday morning and was hit with a big wave of anxiety. I don't even remember what brought it on but I couldn't get out of bed. I couldn't do it. I didn't have the strength. Church started in 30 minutes and I was nowhere near ready to go.

I quickly sent a text message to my husband, telling him I wouldn't be coming to church today because I was having so much anxiety about going and I just couldn't do it. I knew he would understand but I still felt so much guilt and disappointment.

This isn't the first time I've experienced anxiety about going to church. There was a period of time where I couldn't even sit in the chapel because it brought me so much anxiety. I'm not sure if it was the crowd or what but it was all I could do to sit in the foyer.

These types of anxiety-ridden episodes cause me so much pain and I tend to ponder all day long if God is upset with me or if I'm even really a good disciple because I skip church so much or because of these "lame" excuses. Who has anxiety about going to church? I couldn't even pinpoint what was causing my anxiety that morning.

Later that week, I expressed my concern with my husband. I told him that I just didn't understand why I had so much anxiety about going. Sometimes I dread it. I just don't want to go and face the people in my ward. I wish I could just go to church at home. Watch the lessons from the internet and call it good. Church is even 1 hour less than it used to be now and I'm still having these feelings!! What in the world was going on?

My husband looked at me and said, "It's just because you're out of habit. Once you start going again every week and pick up the things you were doing, it'll all come back and those feelings will go away." It may sound a little insensitive or as if he isn't really listening to me at all but I definitely got what he meant and didn't find it offensive at all. In fact, it really got me thinking.

I am out of habit. I rarely go to church each week and there isn't anyone to blame but myself. I've put up walls and have disliked certain things about where I am in life that I'm punishing myself by not going to church and receiving those blessings that could help me break down those walls. I don't read my scriptures every day (if ever) and I used to eat. them. up. My first set of scriptures that I received when I turned 8 are falling apart at the seams and you almost can't find a verse that isn't marked. I also never say my prayers. Only when I'm in dire need of something. It's really selfish and I often wonder where God is and why I'm not receiving help. Then I realize where I am in my life and maybe that plays a part in where He is in my life.

I know God is forgiving and loving and kind and he will always be there for me but I can't help but think I've let go of my end of the rope but still expect him to hold onto his end. The reason I'm sharing this experience/thought is that I know I'm not the only one who gets out of habit sometimes. I'm not alone in my struggle to pray, read my scriptures each day and attend church each week. We all have our "things" that we deal with and its something we have to work on each day. I guess I just want you to know that you're not alone.

As I ponder these words, I'm going to do my best to remember God each day and hopefully that will invite the Spirit into my home and inspire me to pick up my scriptures (no matter how long it has been) and encourage me to attend church on Sunday with a prayerful heart that the Lord will be there to comfort me when I'm feeling anxious again. I know he will not forsake me!

You Verse Everyone Else

I sat in Sacrament meeting on Fast Sunday last month, when that burning feeling crept in. You know what I'm talking about. The one that makes your heart race, your palms sweat and your mind races because you know you need to go up and bear your testimony but you're dreading it at the same time.

I do just fine giving talks in Sacrament meeting, I'm not even sure why, but when it comes to bearing my testimony, the nerves are strong! It's not like that every single fast and testimony meeting. I don't bear my testimony every single month but when I do the decision of what I want to bear my testimony on is always a battle.

I had a thought come to mind. Something that I've been pondering over the last little while. I thought it would be the "perfect thing" to bear my testimony on and I was trying to figure out how to say it without just going up there and sharing an experience and then that's it! I feel like I always try to figure out what I want to say before I go up but when I finally get up to the stand... it's all wiped from my memory. I go blank and I never know what to actually say.

While I was sitting on the bench, arguing with myself on whether or not I was going to go up, the thought came to mind that maybe whatever is weighing on my heart or whatever the Spirit just shared with me isn't meant for everyone to hear. Maybe... just maybe... that burning feeling I'm getting isn't so that I can go up and share the sacred experience I have had, or the revelation I'm receiving from the Holy Ghost... maybe it's just for me.

As a teenager, I always felt like I needed to share everything. That maybe what I had to say would help someone, therefore I should share it. But over the years I've come to realize that some of the things the Spirit conveys to us are meant only for us and not everyone else. And that's okay! I feel like when you start to learn a little of how the Spirit speaks to you, you can decipher what you should keep between yourself and the Lord (and maybe your journal) and what you can share that could potentially help someone.

Now, I'm not saying that you shouldn't share anything ever, including sacred experiences. But what I am saying is that whenever you experience something spiritual, it's okay to just have that experience for yourself. Write it down for sure. Journal the experience and your thoughts and feelings. There are certain things in my life that have happened and I have had a moment of peace with the Lord and have learned something that I know, without a doubt, is meant for only my ears. But I have also had experiences in life that I know could help someone or that I feel comfortable sharing.

Just know that if you're not up bearing your testimony because you're not sure you want to share the experiences in your life, that's okay. Not everyone is the same and we bear our testimony in different ways. It's okay to have sacred moments between you and God and no one else.

He Lives!

Sometimes I just don't feel the spirit…. Sometimes I wonder if God is really helping me. I don't feel purpose or direction. I have tasted happiness years go and I don't know how to get it back. Yes, I know reading scriptures will help but every time I try to read, I stop. I don't know why either. I am really struggling. It is so hard. I'm not who I used to be. Every single day I become someone new. I feel so distant from everything. I have my husband and family, great friends and acquaintances. But with the darkness I'm in, sometimes that isn't allowed to be enough. I keep searching for something but I don't know what… Maybe I just need some alone time in the Temple…It's hard when you don't feel okay.

But when I read the ensign, or sing a hymn at church, I feel God's love for me and I feel like I can go on. But then tomorrow comes and it's a completely different story. Except for today. A couple of weeks ago, I was feeling crummier than ever. I was upset and mad that I'm still dealing with this mental illness even 10 years later. But after going to the temple, I couldn't help but feel Gods love for me. I'm also reminded of a wonderful hymn that brings me to tears each time I sing it.

"He lives, to plead for me above. He lives my hungry soul to feed, He lives to bless in time of need." - He lives. He lives to tell Heavenly Father that I'm having a hard time. He lives to feed my hungry spiritual soul with happiness while pleading with the Lord during my time of need. He lives to beg for peace and contentment. He lives for me.

"He lives to comfort me when faint, He lives to hear my soul's complaint. He lives to silence all my fears, He lives to wipe away my tears. He lives to calm my troubled heart." - He lives to comfort me. He lives to comfort me through the night and into the day. He lives to bring that peace to my soul. He lives to hear me nag and complain about my horrible no good life. He lives to hear it again and again and again…. but He lives to silence my fears and replace it with faith. He lives to teach me that faith cannot reside where fear does. He lives to teach me of God's love. He lives to wipe away the tears that have ever fallen in the morning before work. He lives to fill the cracks in my heart with love and eternal joy. He lives to calm my troubled, very troubled heart. He lives to answer my questions and bring peace to my soul.

He lives for me and He always will. I know that there is a God. I know that His Son Jesus Christ lives for me. He fights for me day in and day out. He pleads with me to trust in God. He pleads with me to allow Him to ease my troubled soul. "He lives and loves me to the end."

"He lives all glory to His name. He lives my Savior still the same. Oh sweet, the joy this sentence gives. I know that My Redeemer lives."

He lives, and because he does, so can I…

Does God Really Count My Tears?

After a previous post about feeling empty with the internet, and not with Christ, the question in the title of this post came to mind. It's amazing what a bad day can do for you. It tends to make you ponder life's questions and seek out the answers from Christ.

I like to think that I pray throughout the day. Usually, those prayers are silent, in my head, prayers. But they're there, nonetheless. I often hear quotes like, "Men, be careful not to make women weep, for God counts their tears." Or in some different form, but it's usually about God counting our tears as women. So that's where the question came from.

Does God really count my tears?

And I believe the answer is yes. I've always wondered why, or what is He going to do with counting them. What does it mean? That sort of thing. I'm not sure I'll ever know the answer but I like to think of it this way.

As God counts our tears, it is a reminder for us, that He is paying attention. It is a reminder that He is listening, that He is aware of us, in our moment of despair. God is ever mindful of our needs and loves us. He wants to help us in our lives. He wants to hug us and send angels to surround us with feelings of peace and comfort.

“I Will Give You Rest” by Yongsung Kim

I believe God wants us to know He counts our tears for that reason. So that we know He is there, listening, watching, and thinking of us. Seems like a weird way of showing us, His children, that He knows we exist, and that He is paying attention to us. It's very comforting to know this.

I believe God counts the tears of men as well. We are always going to be His children. Daughters; Sons. He loves us. I cannot emphasize that enough. It is a tough road that I've been on, but clinging to the knowledge that God loves me, and is aware of me, has truly carried me. We are so blessed to have such a loving Heavenly Father.

So, I encourage you to remember next time, that as tears fall from your eyes (good or bad), or you hear that quote… remember that God is thinking of you. He is paying attention to you. You are His child. And nothing will ever change that.

Begin to Believe

I have been doing a lot for myself lately and I really want to grow spiritually. Many of you know I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. We believe the Book of Mormon to be another testament of Jesus Christ and so we study and read and apply it to our daily lives.

I've been trying to find ways to make work a bit more spiritual so that I'm not so anxious about being there. I just picked up where I left off which was 2 Nephi 30 and I came across verse 7, which reads:

"And it shall come to pass that the Jews which are scattered also shall begin to believe in Christ; and they shall begin to gather in upon the face of the land; and as many as shall believe in Christ shall also become a delightsome people." - 2 Nephi 30:7

 This verse stuck out to me because of the part that says begin to believe in Christ. I really do need to work harder to believe in Christ and in His teachings. so today, I'm going to begin to believe in Christ again. And it will be glorious. Can't wait to share more of my readings from this wonderful book.

 I loved working for the Church when I did. It allowed me to freely read the Book of Mormon and not be judged. I love that I can blog about things that I love and that are close to my heart.

I want you to know that I know that God lives and loves us. We are his children and he is aware of our needs. I know that if we begin to believe now our lives will change for the better and we will be much happier. I'm grateful for this gospel! I believe in Christ.

“Come to Me” by Yongsung Kim

How Could Christ Help Me Cope With Depression?

If there is any question I hear often from those who struggle with depression and/or anxiety, it is this:

How could Christ help me cope with depression?

I really do hear it a lot, and it is nothing to be ashamed of if you have ever asked yourself that question. I know I have asked it before! How can someone who is not physically here, help me work through those bad days? How can He help me get out of bed when today just doesn't seem possible in any aspect?

He can, and that's what I'm going to share with you right now.

I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. - Phillippians 4:13

After I found out that I lost a dear friend to suicide, I felt so lost. I spent many days sleeping in, and/or not sleeping at all. I would lay there, in silence. Screaming inside my head for relief—for this nightmare to end. I had just decided that the Church was something I wanted in my life not many months prior. Why would God give this to me? Someone who repented, made a righteous choice to come back to the Church? I didn't understand.

I often found myself angry. That I couldn't physically speak to Christ, let alone my Heavenly Father. I was angry that my prayers weren't being answered when and how I wanted them to be answered. I searched for days on end, scripture after scripture, prayer after prayer, letter after letter to the leaders of The Church on this topic. I needed healing.

Image c/o The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

It's been 9 years now, since those trying days, and though I still struggle today, it has become a lot easier to deal with. Not completely, but much more than I ever thought it could be. If you think about it, during those moments of pain, heartache, crying, begging, screaming… how many times have you thought of Christ or God? How many of those sleepless nights have pushed you to pray? Read your scriptures or listen to hymns?

That my friends is how Christ helps you cope. The very thought of Him—the very thought of needing Him and wondering where He is, is the first step to laying your burdens at His feet. It is the first step to sleeping one more hour. It is the first step to making it through the next 24 hours, 4 weeks, 12 months, 4 years…. The very thought of Christ comforting us does, in fact, bring comfort. Knowing that we can pray whenever and wherever, and thinking of Him brings relief.

I didn't realize it until now, but that's pretty huge. I have often, and very often, cried out to the Lord where Christ is, and why am I'm not finding peace!? But it is in those small moments, when the Holy Ghost ever so sweetly and gently, puts thought into my mind to pray. To think of and ask for the comfort of Christ. We are so loved and surrounded by so many angels in heaven and on earth. Heavenly Father never wants us to be alone; ever ever ever.

I encourage you to remember this and to remember the next time you are struggling, that Christ is already with you in that first thought of seeking Him.

Goals for 2019

I thought I would share some of the goals I have for 2019 that are more on the spiritual side of things. Some people say that setting goals is just setting yourself up for failure, but I believe in having something to work towards and accomplish. Sure, I don't meet every goal I've ever set in my life but I love having something that pushes me to be my best every day.

• Attend the temple each month by setting a date the month before. Plan out which session to attend and reach out to any friends or family that might want to come with.
• Start reading the Book of Mormon in my new journaling edition that I got for Christmas. 
• Start prepping Sunday lessons the day before, each month, I'm scheduled to teach.
• Make an effort to attend my Sunday meetings by getting up an hour early to get ready and eat breakfast. (Our church time is staying the same so I can get up at the same time each week.)
• Read at least 10 faith-based books. I really like to read books from Deseret Book!

There are only a few goals but these are mostly just my spiritual-based goals. I really want to reconnect with God in 2019 since I had such a hard time in 2018. I'm not really sure why I had such a difficult year but many times I felt God's love. Being surrounded by the Spirit reminds me of who I really am and the happiness that the Gospel brings to me and to my life and I know that I can do better in my actions as a disciple and I can strengthen some areas in my life that may be lacking as far as following the Lord and his commandments.

I'm so grateful for a loving and understanding Heavenly Father who helps me achieve all that I want to in this life! He believes in me and always supports me when it's in my best interest. It can be difficult, living this life, and oftentimes lonely because I just with my Heavenly Father was here with me but I'm grateful for the angels he sends my way to be with me when he cannot.

I'm really excited about this home-centered, church-supported gospel study that's going to be happening this year! I know some people are hesitant about it and to see how it all plays out but I think it will be really good. I teach the youth in our ward and last Sunday I taught the lesson and at the end, I felt prompted to share with them my feelings on the new curriculum and encourage them to work really hard and be disciplined to study at home now that we'll be at church less during the month. I'm not sure if it did anything for them but it was nice to be in a place where I could encourage them to take advantage of the home-study.

What are your spiritual goals for 2019? Comment down below!

The Act of Forgiving

Salt Lake Temple 2016 © Ashley Ziegler

Did you watch the First Presidency Christmas Devotional this past Sunday? It was wonderful! I really loved it and all of the simple, yet powerful messages shared! I thought that each message was my favorite and then I heard the next and it became a favorite. I ended up loving them all!

When President Nelson got up to speak, I wasn't expecting him to give an answer to a prayer that I had two months ago, during General Conference. I received my answer then but I think the Lord wanted to send the answer again. I was really surprised and wasn't expecting to hear his message but it was just what my heart needed.

I struggle with forgiveness. Mostly because my physical body can't figure out how to forgive in a way that my mind is asking it too. Does that make sense? For some reason, I feel like forgiveness is a physical thing and so I struggle with doing anything about forgiveness.

Forgiveness can be a really uneasy subject for most, and can actually turn conversations south. I really want to forgive in my life. I am really tired of carrying around hurt and angry feelings. It's only affecting me right? Not the other person? So why then, is it so stinkin' hard to do? How do you go on in life as if nothing ever happened?

One phrase from President Nelson's talk that spoke to me was this,

"Through His infinite Atonement, you can forgive those who have hurt you and who may never accept responsibility for their cruelty to you."

 That is where my issue with forgiveness lies. Accepting the apology you're never going to get. It's like a thorn stuck in your side that's been there for a very long time and you think it's time to pull it out but you just can't bring yourself to do it because it is going to be so painful. But you know it will make everything so much better once you finally do.

So how do I do this? How do I forgive and let go? How do I let my Savior's healing power, pull out this thorn stuck in my side? How do I go on with my life "as if nothing ever happened"? These are the questions I'm sincerely seeking answers for and I hope and pray that I can feel of God's love for me and that as hard as the act of forgiving is, I can actually do it with his help. I pray that His love will heal me from the hurt and anger that I feel.

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Is there someone in your life that is needing your forgiveness or someone that you are seeking forgiveness from? What is the act of forgiving like in your life and how are you able to apply our Savior's Atonement in your life?

Coming Back

You guys. Where have I been? After President Russell M. Nelson invited the women of the Church to do a 10-day social media fast, I included my blog. That means, I've been gone since then and then some.

I didn't know what to share coming back because I just felt fine without social media. For once. I didn't have any of my creative juices flowing and wondered what it was that I need to share on here after that fast.

The social media fast was GREAT and I'm so excited to begin writing blog posts again. I missed all of my family and friends and staying connected. Social media can be a force for good but I definitely saw how it impacted my life negatively during this fast.

I'm going to be switching from Blogger to Wordpress in the coming weeks and I'm really excited about it! I love the free platform that Blogger is, but Wordpress is more familiar to me and gives me just a little bit more to work with.

I'm also working with Rio from Work + Wonder on some amazing things so be sure to give her a follow and watch for my sharing!!

If You Don't, Someone Else Will

Okay, this is like the one-millionth blog post I've tried to sit down and write on this subject. I've done a little bit here and there. Mostly I just blog about my feelings and I'm very vague about what it is I'm actually trying to decide.

When I was about 15, I received my Patriarchal Blessing. I obviously had no idea what any of it meant for me and my life or how any of it would play out but I've always tried my best to stay in tune with it (keywords: tried my best). Without going into any details, I've noticed how something is worded in my blessing and the way it has affected me since.

I have always felt "called." And what I mean by that is, based off of my Patriarchal Blessing, many prayers and studying, I have always felt like God wanted some part of me to share the gospel. And more than just a mission. More than just posting photos on Instagram when I drive by a temple. I have always felt impressed to blog about the gospel, my love for it and anything in between. I have tried and tried over the years to pick a "niche" and nothing ever felt right. Nothing ever stuck with me long enough to really feel passionate about it.

Each time I thought about really starting a blog, making it gospel-centered was the only "niche" that came to mind. I am so passionate about sharing the goodness of the gospel. But let me say this first, I am not a perfect "Mormon" scholar. I cannot quote many scriptures, or tell you many of the stories and/or lessons from the scriptures. I'm not really sure why I wasn't blessed in that department LOL I feel like everyone around me is. ;) I am not a perfect Mormon. I am not a perfect disciple/follower of Jesus Christ. I do not intend to share anything with that in mind.

I share the gospel of Jesus Christ, my membership, my Church... simply because I love it. I love my faith. I love The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I love the gospel and the scriptures. I love General Conference. I love our Prophet and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. I love my church leaders, my ward and so much more! I simply love it all with a love that words cannot do justice.

So why am I sharing this with you today?

I recently attended an LDS women's retreat called SALT. It was amazing. I'll obviously be sharing all about it in another post for a different day. I didn't go in with any expectations or questions. I didn't have plans to go to specific classes or listen to specific people talk. I didn't go with any friends or family members. I went alone :O! Simply because I just wanted to go, and experience and meet new people and be inspired! That's the honest truth. And that's exactly what I got.

I love social media. I really do. I love networking and following others and their lives. But I really love connecting with positive, uplifting accounts, especially those that are faith based. One in particular was going to this same event as me. We told each other that we were going to look for each other to say hi. They were with some family members and during a break we got to talking and get to know each other. It was as if we'd been friends for a really long time. Their family members made me feel so special and it was so wonderful to meet them and get to know all of them.

I kind of opened my heart up in a roundtable discussion we were having and they all happened to be at this table at the same time. I confessed to this group that I really really have a love for blogging and blogging about Jesus Christ and my love for the gospel. But the reason I don't have a blog started is because there are already so many out there. There are already so many blogs and Instagram accounts sharing inspiring and uplifting things based off of the gospel... so why should I add to it? Why did I feel like we needed one more blog to add to the millions out there? I just felt like there wasn't a point to it.

After sharing these feelings that I wasn't really expecting to share, this friend and their family members came up to me and told me that I should do it. I should start a blog and who cares what others think. Who cares how many blogs are already out there and what they're sharing. They told me, "if you don't do it, someone else will. God will ask someone else to do it." I kind of smiled and nodded like yeah, I know what you're saying. As if I had heard it a thousand times. But for some odd reason, hearing it from them made me pause and ponder.

So here I am, at home, pondering these words from people I just met who know nothing about me. Yet I feel like a huge prayer has been answered. I feel like God finally said, "Ashley, you've been letting this float around in your head long enough. Here is your answer through these servants of mine. Now go and do." Like clear as day. The impression and the Spirit and my heart just know without a doubt that if I don't do it, someone else will.

To add quickly, the night before the SALT event, I had attended one of their workshops. It's a create workshop where you pay extra to attend this said-class for so many hours and learn about one thing and it's a limited space group so it's more intimate. As we were discussing why we all decided to take this class, someone shared how they would love to speak at events similar to this one and they were there to kind of see how others are able to do it but so nervous because who would listen to their story? Then the teacher said something that hit me hard. She said, "Pioneer it. No one will show up the way you will." And I am pretty sure everyone's mouth dropped open.

And that's where I tie it in with this post. I'm doing it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to start a blog and share my love for the gospel of Jesus Christ. I would love, one day, to have a domain (a dot com) and all that fun jazz but I'm not really sure what to call it, or what it will even become. All I know is that I'm doing it. I have had a prayer answered that I didn't even know I had prayed. I feel more confident now in this "feeling called" I've had since I was 15.

It just feels so good to finally get this off of my chest. To quit messing around and just finally do it.

Because if I don't, someone else will.

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"And it came to pass that I, Nephi, said unto my father: I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them."
- 1 Nephi 3:7