He Is Showing Up For Me

Before motherhood, I felt like a huge piece of myself was missing. Now that I’m a mother, I feel it’s absence even more. I pushed it away a few years ago because I wanted to be accepted by those around me. I wanted to be loved and wanted regardless. I pushed it away and I buried it because being accepted felt more important than possibly standing alone. It has been so hard to find a balance of keeping that part of myself alive while also being accepted by my friends and family and society to be honest... The part of me that has been missing is my faith. My religion. My beliefs. Being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is becoming a difficult thing to be. We are hated and looked down upon. It’s a heavy burden to bear in today’s world. I have many friends and family who have left the church or who aren’t members. I still wanted them to love me. I still wanted them to want me in their life. I didn’t want our beliefs to separate us. So what did I do? I put my faith on the shelf and walked away. Nobody asked me to. I felt like I had to in order to keep these relationships.

I’ve been staring at my faith sitting on this shelf and feeling this need to get it down. I am missing this part of my soul. I’m missing this part of who I am. Why can’t I be loved by everyone too? Why can’t they accept this part of me too? I need this to survive. I need this to live and to be happy. I need God. I need to show up for myself but I’m struggling. Then I came across Courtney Casper and my life changed. She showed up for me in my life the way I need to show up for myself. She became the inspiration I needed to dust my faith off and find God again. I have been reading her book, “Choose Yes,” and it has been unbelievably good. It has been everything my heart needs and everything my faith needs. It has been everything I want for myself.

I worry every day which friendships I’ll lose for being a member of this church or which family member won’t feel connected to me because all I care about is my faith? I care what people think... and maybe too much. Courtney has helped me so much in finding my faith again. She has helped me restore that missing piece that I’ve been dying to find. I don’t even know her personally... I’ve never met her. But her example has been an answer to my prayers.

I just wanted to share this because it’s been on my heart for some time now and as a new mom, I’m getting tired of putting society before myself. I think daily about what I want to teach my daughter. I know that I’ll be loved even if it’s only by God. I want to work harder to be better about my faith. I don’t want to abandon it again. Don’t give up friends. Find what sets your soul on fire and don’t let it go.

God Is In the Details

If you remember my blog post about SALT Gathering then you'll remember how I mentioned the wonderful Kim White who was our concluding speaker.

Kim White recently passed away and she (and her family) has been on my mind every single day. I lost my dad to cancer almost 4 years ago and the feelings have been weighing on my heart as I think about the pain her family is currently going through. I know the feeling all too well and it's no good.

Kim was a light to all who knew her and were touched by her story. I had the privilege of hearing her speak at SALT and tell her story of battling cancer every single day. It was the most incredible thing I've ever listened to. She never forgot God. Not once did she give credit to anyone or anything else without first giving credit to God. God showed up for her. He showed up for her in many ways. It probably wasn't always the way she wanted or hoped or imagined he would... but he always did.

As I've been thinking about her this past week, I've been thinking a lot about the details in my life that God has been apart of. Where have I seen him? What has he shown up in or as? What details am I not paying attention to because I'm giving too much attention to details he's not in?

I am beyond grateful for Kim and her constant inspiration in my life. I remember right after she spoke I walked up to give her a hug and say thank you. I, of course, cried as I told her how happy I was that someone elses cancer story turned out differently than my dad's. I told her that it makes my heart so happy to see her still fighting and living and breathing. She gave me a big smile and said thank you. I do remember that as I was telling her this she was focused completely on me. She wasn't looking elsewhere or quickly waving hi to someone in passing. She gave me her attention... someone she didn't know a single thing about. She was probably in so much pain, and maybe very very tired but she didn't let it show.

That detail is how God showed up for me that day. He showed up for me as Kim. He showed up to tell me to look at the details. He gave me an inspiring reminder that he is aware of me and that he loves me. That no matter how many punches my life takes or how often I'm pushed to the ground... he is there with me. Every single time. I just need to look for him and thank him for showing up. Period.

I miss Kim's posts and seeing her fight so hard every single day. I will miss her dance parties and encouragement to just breathe and love life. I pray for her family every day as they mourn her and live through this difficult time. May we do our best to honor Kim and look for God in the details because he's there.