I woke up one Sunday morning and was hit with a big wave of anxiety. I don't even remember what brought it on but I couldn't get out of bed. I couldn't do it. I didn't have the strength. Church started in 30 minutes and I was nowhere near ready to go.
I quickly sent a text message to my husband, telling him I wouldn't be coming to church today because I was having so much anxiety about going and I just couldn't do it. I knew he would understand but I still felt so much guilt and disappointment.
This isn't the first time I've experienced anxiety about going to church. There was a period of time where I couldn't even sit in the chapel because it brought me so much anxiety. I'm not sure if it was the crowd or what but it was all I could do to sit in the foyer.
These types of anxiety-ridden episodes cause me so much pain and I tend to ponder all day long if God is upset with me or if I'm even really a good disciple because I skip church so much or because of these "lame" excuses. Who has anxiety about going to church? I couldn't even pinpoint what was causing my anxiety that morning.
Later that week, I expressed my concern with my husband. I told him that I just didn't understand why I had so much anxiety about going. Sometimes I dread it. I just don't want to go and face the people in my ward. I wish I could just go to church at home. Watch the lessons from the internet and call it good. Church is even 1 hour less than it used to be now and I'm still having these feelings!! What in the world was going on?
My husband looked at me and said, "It's just because you're out of habit. Once you start going again every week and pick up the things you were doing, it'll all come back and those feelings will go away." It may sound a little insensitive or as if he isn't really listening to me at all but I definitely got what he meant and didn't find it offensive at all. In fact, it really got me thinking.
I am out of habit. I rarely go to church each week and there isn't anyone to blame but myself. I've put up walls and have disliked certain things about where I am in life that I'm punishing myself by not going to church and receiving those blessings that could help me break down those walls. I don't read my scriptures every day (if ever) and I used to eat. them. up. My first set of scriptures that I received when I turned 8 are falling apart at the seams and you almost can't find a verse that isn't marked. I also never say my prayers. Only when I'm in dire need of something. It's really selfish and I often wonder where God is and why I'm not receiving help. Then I realize where I am in my life and maybe that plays a part in where He is in my life.
I know God is forgiving and loving and kind and he will always be there for me but I can't help but think I've let go of my end of the rope but still expect him to hold onto his end. The reason I'm sharing this experience/thought is that I know I'm not the only one who gets out of habit sometimes. I'm not alone in my struggle to pray, read my scriptures each day and attend church each week. We all have our "things" that we deal with and its something we have to work on each day. I guess I just want you to know that you're not alone.
As I ponder these words, I'm going to do my best to remember God each day and hopefully that will invite the Spirit into my home and inspire me to pick up my scriptures (no matter how long it has been) and encourage me to attend church on Sunday with a prayerful heart that the Lord will be there to comfort me when I'm feeling anxious again. I know he will not forsake me!
