I haven't always had those experiences where I ask God a question, open my scriptures, and read the answer to my question. In fact, I can probably only count on one hand the times that has happened to me. But today's post is one of those times. And maybe I'm looking too much into it, maybe not but I wanted to share it somewhere. I want to start blogging my thoughts during my scripture study more often so here is my effort for that. Haha!
I'm really behind in the CFM study this year but I'm doing my best. I try to read a little bit each day but I'm about 25+ sections behind. I was reading in section 30 of the Doctrine and Covenants when I realized that what I was reading was practically an answer to a question that has been weighing on my mind for a really long time.
I'm going to be vulnerable and honest here for a minute but I'm hoping that I don't come off as "poor me" or "man I have it really bad" or selfish in any way. But as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in 2021, life is hard. I'm not saying that while disregarding the hard life of many, many others. I just constantly have these feelings of exhaustion of trying to defend my beliefs. Trying to defend myself and prove to everyone that it's okay to be Mormon and love thy neighbor. It's never enough. No matter what the Mormons do, it's never enough for everyone.
I say that because the LGBTQ+ community weighs heavily on my mind almost daily. I think about the conflicting feelings I have as a member of this church AND how badly I love my brothers and sisters despite who they love. Their decisions to be in a relationship and/or marriage with someone of the same-sex does not align with our church doctrine but the world makes it so gosh dang hard for Mormons to be Mormons AND love those around them, including LGBTQ+. And maybe Mormons make it hard on themselves too. I can see why, I truly can, and I'm not here to argue that. I'm mostly just giving some background for today's post and where my thoughts and feelings are stemming from.
Every day I beg God to give me a reason for these feelings I'm experiencing. This heartbreak that I feel of wanting so badly to stay an active member of the church and also feeling like I'll never be taken seriously when I say I love people for who they are. I can't be both in the eyes of society and it hurts. It hurts a lot. But I beg God for answers every day. How can I live and do both? How can I stay in this church AND support my fellow LGBTQ+? It really upsets me and causes me a lot of frustration and anger. I worry that so many of my family members or friends, who aren't active or aren't members of the church, judge me now. That because they can "see more clearly" or are "100% themselves" that somehow I'm not and that somehow I can't. Like, why can't they support me as a member while not being a member? I don't know. Maybe that's where the line needs to be drawn and I need to reevaluate my relationships but I care too dang much about my friends and family. I just do.
Anyway, I was reading in section 30 and came across verse 2:
But your mind has been on the things of the earth more than on the things of me, your Maker, and the ministry whereunto you have been called and you have not given heed unto my Spirit, and to those who were set over you, but have been presuaded by those whom I have no commanded.
I knew it. I just knew that verse was for me. All last night I spent so much time thinking about my social media and unfollowing or unfriending people/accounts that bring me down or make me feel awful and worse about myself. People do it all of the time and there's nothing wrong with that but I hate that. I hate making that decision to remove myself from the lives of those I cared about. But I know.... I know so strongly that I need to put my focus on the important things and God is one of them. His church is one of them. His gospel is one of them.
God cares about me and he loves me. He knows how hard this is for me and he is here to help me and love me along the way. And I know social media is stupid. It really doesn't matter. I could delete all of my social media and just be done but people matter to me. Relationships matter to me. I care too much about people. And ya know what? I might be that person for someone else. I might be someone that they need to unfollow or unfriend because what I choose to share may bring them negative feelings and I understand that. It's fair, and I try not to be that person but I know it's 100% possible.
Anyway, I feel like all the begging I did to God last night was answered in the verse I mentioned above. I know what needs to be done and I know I need to refocus and realign my life.
